Sanders Sides HighSchool

12

I can't sleep, again

Not only that, but eating has become to hard for me to do as well. Mom is only giving me the week off because I told her that I got in a fight with someone and I was laying low. Because of that lie, I have a therapy session at 5pm today. I lean over and check the time.

It's still 3

That means I have too much time on my hands. I think back to Patton, hopping that he isn't worried for me, but also knowing that he probably is freaking out. I open up my phone and go to the message app,  looking back on all the text that he frantically sent me. I'm on a heartbreaking role today aren't I?  I wince as I think back to the incident at the garden. He doesn't even know that I only did that to keep him safe, he doesn't know how sorry I am, and he doesn't seem like he wants to. I've only been in one and a half relationships, and as far as I can tell, ex's usually aren't aiming to be BFF's after a breakup, but this is Roman. I mean, we can't not talk to each other...right?

I close my phone and put my feet on the bedroom floor, feeling the cold wooden tile underneath my bare feet reminds me that I'm alive. I stand up and go to my door, I open it up and walk out to the hallway, I feel too cooped up in my room, I may like to be on my own but it's creepy being by yourself for too long.

I manage to get to the stairs before I hear voices coming from downstairs. I lower my body and inch forward to hear the voices more clearly. I recognize the voices, its my mom and...Patton?

"Please Mrs. Storm..." I hear Patton beg, I don't have to look at him to know that he's crying. My mom's voice is clear and sounds drained, "I'm so sorry Patton, but Virgil needs some time and space right now, if anything changes you'll be one of the first people to know sweety. You know how he is sometimes, right now we just need to wait until he wants our help, if not then he'll just push further away from us...I'm sorry...."

I don't need to see my mom to know that she's crying. I would say that my heart breaks to hear the two people I care the most about crying, but that'd be a lie, my heart is going through hell right now, I think it's too anxious to really feel anything right now. I hear Patton ask my mom to give me something, and she agrees, he stays a little longer at the doorway asking if she's sure he can't see me. I stand up straighter and walk to my room, I close the door silently behind me and sit down on my bed. It's not like I don't want to see them, I just...I don't know.

I look out my window and see the clear blue sky, just there, mocking me.

I wish it was raining, I wish there was a hurricane right now and I'd have something real to worry about, I wish I was a better friend, I wish I could be a normal son, and I wish I didn't break the hearts of everyone that's closest to me.

But hey, wishing is for disney characters, and I'm not a prince in any story.

I'm more of the bad guy.

I don't deserve to get a wish.

I hear a soft knock on my door, so I sit up and run my fingers through my hair, so that it doesn't look the way it does, like I've been doing nothing but sleeping and worrying. "Come in" I say, knowing that mom wouldn't come in unless I told her she could. She opens up the door and glances around the room, I see her nose scrunch up at the sight of how messy I'm being, but she doesn't say anything and then just looks at me and walks over.

"Hey champ, so I was thinking that we could leave a little earlier, go get something to eat, maybe some ice cream, and we could talk like we used to"
I can't stand to look her in the eyes. I can already see the red eyes and the hints of red on her face from crying, I don't want to be the reason why she cries again. I keep my head down. "I don't know..." I say making sure to keep my voice in check. Mom bends down on her knees and looks me in the eyes.

"Virgil, I love you. I love you so much, and nothing in the whole world will ever change that"

I know this, she's been telling me this ever since I told her about my anxiety, I think she thinks that the more I hear this the more I'll believe it. But I know that she can't. If she knew what I knew, how quick I was to hurt the person I love, and she already knows how much I'm hurting Patton by not talking to him, and she knows how much I'm hurting her.
"I know, I love you to" I lie. Not about the last part, but about the first part. I just don't want her to get hurt, I mean, is it wrong to lie to someone if its for their own good?

"I'll go get the car ready then?" she asks standing up and starting to walk away. I glance at the window, and see a bird fly by, "Yea" I mumble. I hear the door close and I linger on, still looking at the window.

I wish I could just disappear.