Life Musings

Musing 1

Have you ever thought about what would be written on your tombstone after you die? The usual name, date of birth to the date you have passed, and other things. I want the usual name and date engraved on my tombstone. At the very bottom after the necessary things to be written, I want " 没关系。没有什么是永恒  你也会忘记我。" to be written. It means "it's okay. Nothing is forever. You will forget me also." People in the long run forget each other whether it is by chance or by choice. I usually think it's the latter. I usually remember most people that were in my life, but it feels as although I made an impact on some people's lives to how they are now, I was merely a stepping stone. I am always forgotten by the best of friends, the wonderful of mates, and the flocks of birds. No, to be clear I am not complaining. I just like to point out how my life has always been. Never had a "best friend" or however that phrase is used. I never use that phrase now in my adulthood. Before, I have used it freely as a child, as a young teenager, and my early stages of becoming a young adult. As I started to dance, as I started to find what I find a passion in, I realized I didn't need to keep all those people along that have forgotten me. It's just a stage where you know who to keep and who to let go. I realized that a lot of people that my mom asked me "oh, what happened to so and so? You two used to be great friends." My answer was always, "I don't know. They never bother to contact me." I also don't find the extra effort worth contacting someone who I have no talked for so long just to spark an awkward conversation or a mere on the surface small talk to go nowhere. I like deep conversations that draw me in to the person, listen to the musings of the other person, because y'know it makes me feel like I'm worth keeping around, that I'm easy to talk to, that I'm helping in some sort of way. However, when the people I enjoy to muse with and got close to seem all of a sudden so far away, I feel useless l and unappreciated. Then goes back to me saying that I realized who to keep and who to let go. I realized that I wanted to keep this person in my life. The moment they let go of the string that connected us, I felt the strong pull of it leaving me slowly but surely. It made me sad. It made me empty. It made me angry. It made me realize maybe in the end I'm better off by myself because friends are not my thing. However, I like having people I know I can trust and love and are close with to talk to. I hide all of the hurtful words they have said to me because they were angered by me at the back of my head, but when they become distant, I remember all the mean and distasteful things they have said to me. "I don't trust you." "You are creepy." "You're annoying." "You're too mean." "Why are you doing this to so and so?" The "I don't trust you" has always hit me the hardest. In my honest opinion, I don't know why it does. I never bothered with thinking about why it hurts me or have I always had trust issues as one would say. In my head, it was always some part of miscommunication that leads people to say it to me. I start to feel sad, to feel empty, to feel angry, to feel the need to stay away from people. I don't like this feeling. It makes me angry at myself for not being a better person, but then wander why. Why do humans need to cater to each other so much? We are all born as individuals to survive for ourselves, yet to survive we must put our needs before someone else's. Family is one thing but a boss and an employee is another. In the end, we are all forgotten that were not significant in history. That is why I would like 没关系。没有什么是永恒  你也会忘记我 to be written on my grave when I die.