Life Musings

Musing 6

Good morning America! Long time no see folks. Been a couple of weeks to maybe a week since I last updated this series. My emotions are in a fritz today. Mind is buzzing with different thoughts and one that I keep dwelling on and it won't leave my head. Let's say y'all have someone y'all like right and because you like that said person many scenarios are brought up in your head that will never or might happen. Because of those said scenarios, you hurt your own feelings and then start to feel super unhappy due to it and all that wonderful good stuff. Well, you see, I am currently in that boat. If you read my previous musings, I am a dancer, not professionally, just casually taking classes and somehow climbed up to be good enough that the instructors have praised me for improving so much. During my dancing path, I met a lot of nice people that turned into super close friends. Some other people have been left in the dust and never came back to my dance studio, but that story is for another day. I basically did not pay attention to a lot of people when I first started because I was too shy and always left directly home when the classes finished. I barely made friends when I first started. As I went to the studio more often, I became a regular at the dance studio and started talking to a lot more people and my personality changed for the better, but my mental state for the worst. I keep on being hard on myself for my dancing, for my knowledge, for my personality, for my tastes, etc. I didn't like who I am, but my judgement in people and other factors were better. I knew right away who I would get along with or who I did not like. I got super people picky. Back to the topic, about almost one and a half years into my dancing path and prepping for my second showcase. I started talking to this one guy that I never talked to before. Let's call him....hmm...George. George was in a couple dances with me for showcase and he was in a cover or two for the studio. George was slowly becoming more known in the studio and popular with most of the people there. I didn't know who he was and thought it was unfair that he got into a dance cover and I didn't get picked yet for a dance cover. It was a frustrating thing for me. As time passed by, I finally talked to him when we did rehearsals together and see him more at the studio. It was like occasional hi's and byes and not really hanging out. I got more comfortable as the days went on and during tech rehearsal I added him on snapchat and messaged him a lot. He was a super nice guy, odd, weird humor, can be infuriating and such. I didn't know why I was attracted. It was a weird period for me and the more I talked to him, the more I was like I bet he does not like me, he thinks I'm weird, he doesn't like someone younger than him and so on. I took a lot of pictures with him during show day and posted them on Instagram. After the showcase day, many things happened. A beloved dance instructor was leaving the studio to go back home and a lot of events happened. I eventually got his KakaoTalk and we started taking more on there. Every single day we talked and I suggested going to eat with people and we made a giant group chat with people that we know and slowly we stopped talking on KakaoTalk. We would talk occasionally on Instagram and obviously I would talk to him in the group chat on Facebook. Everything was normal. I was still attracted to him and watched videos of him dancing with my friend. We would get excited by the way he would move, but he was still lacking energy in his moves. We still greet each other when we see each other out of courtesy. Eventually, I stopped all of the talking because I got annoyed by his talking and such. I was in a messy minded situation when school started after the long summer break. I knew I wasn't interested anymore in him. We hung out in groups and I was happy with that. I started to roast him a lot for entertainment and he took it fine. People were laughing at it and such. It was a roller coaster of emotions for me because other stuff happened and I guess having feelings for people were pushed to the back of my head. I wasn't interested in relationships and focused mostly on myself and ended up isolating myself from a lot of people. More time passed by, my friend  vaguely mentioned that someone from the dance studio had a crush on me. It made me curious but I did not pay any mind to it. I was like it's whatever. Whether they wanna confess is completely up to them and not for me to force out of. It did spike up my curiosity but not enough for me to somehow find out. Now, my emotions are in a huge spike. I don't know what to focus on. George made me mad for a good month. In this year, I was not able to do showcase because of other factors. Most of my friends knew that it wasn't a joking topic to be used around me. They know that it was a huge loss for me. I was super sad that I could not do it at all and I still am. I watched one of the rehearsals yesterday and almost cried. I want to share the stage with all of my friends and have fun, but I can't. Any who, I had a 3 hour rehearsal today after waking up early to go to the doctors for vaccines (haha yes enter antivaxx memes here please) and I had lack of sleep due to waking up early. I was pretty tired, angry, sleepy, and agitated. My thoughts were swirling around and then ended up back on George. I don't know if I'm still interested. I'm confused. I'm  I don't even know. I want to talk to him more but I don't want to talk to more people outside of my usual people that I text. It's hard. I saw him yesterday and he was coming out of rehearsal. My heart skipped a beat when he said hi to me super cliche but I was happy. I was slowly being nice to him instead of ignoring him like when I was super mad. It's taking time and I'm getting there. I feel bad now, but I don't know. Everything is a mess in my head. My emotions are all over the place. My friend noticed that I was bringing him up so much and I got afraid that other people noticed. I don't know guys. I feel like this entry is a mess of events and rambling, but I kind of got my thought through. I wish I can find out who liked me before at the studio. I'm confused and I kinda want to cry. Thank you for listening to my ted talk.