Life Musings

Musing 3

Sometimes I wonder why people you know always leave you in the dust when you want closure the most. I have been feeling pretty off lately and not myself as most people would say. The positive, fun person that speaks in metaphors and similes is just not there anymore. In place, a mean, not fun, pessimistic, hate filling entity has taken my place. I have been feeling so angry, sad, and empty. It's not fun, trust me. I, in all honesty, don't know how I became this way. I love my friends. I love my family. I guess I'm just stupid. My friend recently told me she hated the way I've been acting and miss my old self, but in my head I thought, 'You never asked if I was okay, but you tell me how much you hate the way I've been acting without knowing why.' She's a good friend don't get me wrong, but I rather someone ask me if I was okay instead of going what is wrong with you. Ha, but that is how life is. There is never a "are you ok" in some situations. Most people jump to telling you how much they hate the way you act if they have the guts for it. That's what most friends do. There is no emotional support on my end. It makes me wonder why do I even need friends for. I have always offered emotional support to my other friends than receiving most of the time. I hate telling people my problems so most people would notice a change in behavior and voila the "are you ok" is there, but not all the time. I feel as though my pain is always overlooked. My loneliness is overlooked. I'm just a bag of potato chips with no expiration date that people look for when they're not ok to have that closure. Heck, I even saw my other friend the other day, not the one that told me she hated how I act, and she looked like she was in a torrid state of mind so I don't ask her much and just gave her a hug and pat her head. I guess she wasn't in the mood for conversation either so she sat leaning on my legs and I just put my head on top of her head. It was nice, she got what she wanted, which was not to pry into her mental state and let things be. Me? I was partially okay that day. Seeing all the people I know felt nice y'know, but getting in trouble at home and then getting sick was another thing. Kind of a nice feeling, knowing that you family basically gave up on you. No need for my mental health to be able to see friends and other people I know to make me happy. Just chuck some books at me and my laptop just to study! "STUDY JUST STUDY IT'S THE EASIEST THING EVER WHY CAN'T YOU EVEN DO THAT", my mom says. It would be so easy if my brain would hold the information and I wouldn't be worried. I know how to do maths. I know how to write papers. I know how to do hard science. If I know how to do all of these, why are my grades still dropping like no tomorrow? My motivation isn't there. My will to do well is not there. I want the high grades, but the want against my will, the scale is not balanced. I do want to do well. I do want to be successful. However, in order to achieve all of that, I want my mental state to be balanced first. I guess some people don't get the turmoil in some people's minds. I have a tornado spinning in my brain and my inability to do anything. I'm fighting with myself. Nothing can be seen or watched. It's inside of me. I try to explain to others how I feel, but it doesn't come out the way I want it to. It's just too hard to find words to describe a complicated feeling. I guess in general I feel like a failure in one word. A walking failure without a clue of what she wants. She wants to be the good adult she dreams of, but her behavior is too influenced by the outside world. She wants so much, but puts herself down and to find the light of motivation again is hard. It's so hard. I thought I had one, but it blurred away and only remnants are leftover like crumbs from an eaten piece of bread. "Why aren't you writing this in a journal", one might ask. My handwriting is horrible and I feel like typing it gets my thoughts out faster as my fingers move. Writing in a journal is not for me, but for others it may be. I rather draw than write.