Life Musings

Musing 2

When in life, people always ask you the basic "How are you" or the "Are you ok". I feel like most of the time people answer the surface answer to these two questions like "I'm well" or "I'm fine". However, what if you are not fine. How would people react to answer like "No. I'm not ok."? Some times, I feel like answer with a "no I'm not ok" shouldn't be inquired y'know. What if the person wants to hide it? What if the person doesn't want to talk about it? What if it's just an emotional battle within the person and they don't know how to explain it? I wish most people would stop prying into the personal answers of "no. I'm not". I just want the people that understand to look at my face and know what is wrong. In my life, not many people have done this. It was always ask one of the two greeting questions, receive answer, and then pry to find out what is wrong to then just talk about themselves. It doesn't give me closure to who I am around. I want a friend like...well...I'm going to give him a name, let's say..uuuhhhhh...Chris. Chris, I sometimes see him at dance. He makes me feel happy to see him. He's a responsible adult with a degree, stable job, and people that love him. Well, Chris is also dealing with other things that are changing him too, but I don't want to bother him with like hey are you ok. He can tell me what is wrong when the time is right like family emergencies or how he is feeling to let me know if I can keep on encouraging him that he is loved or so. I love Chris. One of my closest friends that I met since I started dancing. Love him to death. Nice guy, super funny, sassy, and other words to describe the package that he is. Sometimes he looks at me and I mutter a few things and he just knows that I don't want to elaborate. Gives me a hug, tells me it's ok, if I cry to him I would feel the closure that I need. In reality, he has a job, a life outside of dance and other commitments. I wish that I can see him more, but our age gap as well as different careers don't really let us. Oh, for all of you wondering, he is not one of my love interests. Wonderful friend, would never like him in a romantic way and he also does not like women prefers men. His last boyfriend was so nice, so wonderful but life happens y'know. I wish more people like this existed y'know. Just to know enough how the other person and not feel the need to dig deeper than needed. Just a hug would make them feel better and know that you know also. It's a nice feeling getting a hug. Sometimes families that would hug you just isn't the same as getting hugged by your friends. My family to me, I find it hard to open up about mental anything. my brother and sister always looked down at me because I'm stupid. I know that I have the ability to do anything, but I guess my motivation is never sparked within me to do anything worthwhile, but here I am rambling about my experiences to the internet! If I ever tell my mom something, she starts to get defensive about her views. If I ask if depression in the family, she immediately goes WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT WHAT IS IT DON'T JOKE AROUND. I just asked an innocent question to be honest and just wanted a coherent answer. I get sad when they always yell at me for being fat. Y'know Asian standards have never been the prettiest. Skinny is the way to go to be pretty and being smart is the way to be successful. The two laws I have always engraved in my mind. I feel like my motivation to do well is slipping away when repeating this in my head. Kinda makes me angry, makes me sad, makes me want to throw things, but I can't. I just smile like everything is okay and move on with life. I don't feel safe opening up. I feel like an oyster hiding the best of pearls, but no matter how many times people tried to shuck me open, it's just closed tight with no way in. I also feel like I can't offer any of my friends support for their mental space also. I'm in an odd state myself. I somehow ended up in the mean side of my brain. Endless insults, downgrading others, talking to myself about how rubbish people in a game are. I don't like it either ,but in this state I am happy where I am. I'm mean, to me means that my defenses are high up. I'm quiet, to me means that I don't need to make new friends or feel the need to start useless conversations. However, in the end all of my friends are worried about me. I was the bright light encouraging them with the positive energy in their lives, but I reached an endpoint, where I don't have that energy to give anymore. I need closure for myself and not just to give to others. I love helping. I really do. It's just that everyone has a burning point and I have reached mine.