Life Musings

Musing 4

Do you ever think about having the perfect image of a future family with the loving spouse and the kids that you gave birth to? Okay okay I know some females don't want kids, but it's my writing and that is today's topic. I always had the image of meeting the guy of my dreams, marrying him in the future, and start a family together. Maybe have a couple of kids and adopt some cats. I would say a dog also, but I don't care for dogs. One hell of a cat person right here. I like cats more because they're so low maintenance and dogs you need to take out and then give them attention and all that jazz. Anyways, back onto topic. I, one day, want to find the perfect person for myself. I really do, but it's so hard with my confidence and other factors. I find myself super unattractive and my self esteem is so low, I feel that ants can come attack it from their nest.  I see other people dating and are so attractive like there is no ugly person in the relationship or other couples where a pretty girl is dating a not so attractive guy. Why is that? I always see myself wanting a super good looking guy with all the qualities I want like can dance, smart, loves the arts, buff as heck, sweetheart, can cook and the list goes on. I want to find someone I can grow old with like these old married couples I see on the street day to day. I want to see myself in that situation, but right now I see myself dying single and with most likely 10 cats and 5 snakes. I always wanted to have that connection and the butterfly feeling when I meet someone that I really like, but I feel like nowadays it's just so hard. Not a lot of people want to be in relationships and not a lot of people want to stay committed. It's just a common thing for a lot of people to have commitment issues. I see it so often that I don't know how the rare long lasting couples find each other. I find it amazing when two people meet and they know that it's forever. It's cute. It's adorable and they know that it takes the time and effort to get to know and to keep that person in their lives. I feel like nowadays people cheat way too often, it's all about sex, and the trust just isn't there. Relationships have now been based around cheating and sex and drugs. No one wants commitment. I joined a thing recently on Facebook called SAD (Subtle Asian Dating). When I first joined, there was a lot of auction posts and whatnot. There was also a lot of attractive people, which made me feel inferior to the group. I don't know about anyone else's confidence but seeing so many attractive people as you scroll down makes me feel worse about myself. I don't know how many people shoot their shot on the page, but I feel too nervous thinking about shooting my shot with someone I'm interested on there. I feel too inferior y'know. I have a lot of self-esteem issues. I saw someone's auction post a couple months ago and I was right away reeled in. Turns out he goes to school in my state and we could have met up if I shoot my shot, but I was being a coward as per usual and didn't. I keep showing my friends how cute he is and stalking his profile on Instagram if he was still single. He was a cute, funny human in one package. His posts made me laugh without even knowing him because weirdly I would like his personality through the post, but I didn't take any of my chances with him. I kind of regret not doing so, but my confidence and state of mind isn't there to maintain a relationship with someone. I feel like my low self-esteem and self-loathing has led me to not even love myself that much anymore. I let my skin get worse. Oh I forgot to mention, I have a skin condition called eczema. For some reason, it seems worse than the other people that get it because the patches are huge and it never goes away and it makes me super sad when I see people with super clear skin. I wish my skin didn't have all of the break outs and open wounds from scratching. Don't get me wrong, I do take care of my skin with creams and other medicines that help it from flaring up really bad. With all of these factors that are making me unhappy, my confidence to want to keep something that I want just isn't there so a relationship is not possible. I also think with my kind of personality people wouldn't accept me for who I am so I always have to keep on a mask of kindness. My mean comes out as often as I am positive and encouraging. If the person I like doesn't how I tend to get mean as a defense mechanism, then I just have to let go. I'll prolly find that said soul mate by the time I'm 50 and on menopause. I made crude jokes here and there but I'm not a funny person. I just like to tell myself that I am.