Life Musings

Musing 8

I can't help but wonder why "What ifs" exist in the brain and in the heart. I know this chapter will have a lot of typos and such as I am writing it as I am currently crying. Why am I so broken over someone I didn't date? Why did I throw my feelings to someone who easily stopped caring about me? I blame myself for ruining the relationship we had before. Honestly, I don't even know what we had before. It made me super happy when I talked to him. I expected a text from him and happily look at my phone to read and respond to it. We were both happy when talking to each other all the joking, teasing and whatever. I knew I would catch feelings for the person as the time went on. Me being the biggest idiot, tried to ignore those warning signs. I didn't want to have my feelings ruin whatever we had already but at the end of the day I ruined it for the both of us. He started to become more distant as quarantine went by and naturally it would have made me feel uneasy. I asked him many times if he was ok and he told me he was fine. We continued the late night calls together. We continued the texter however he started to respond less and less. He started to forget when we were supposed to call. I felt super uneasy to the new behavior and got scared. I didn't want him to disappear but I knew these were the warning signs I did not listen to. Even so I got an answer by asking my friend to help me ask him if he had feelings for me. In the screenshots he did say he had feelings and was afraid I would not reciprocate the feelings back. Oh how funny life is. Because the distancing made me uneasy and I saw the screenshots, I rushed to convey how I felt to him. He told me he was happy however he didn't feel the same way back. He apologized for leading me on and wanted to keep things the same. I respected his decision and did not push more than needed. The initial shock left me feeling confused, not knowing how I should be feeling. As the days went on, my emotions were becoming clearer and I became more upset. I tried to distract myself by indulging in hobbies that I started and now finally complete some projects. I wanted him gone from my heart and gone from my mind. I forgot how I was before I fell for him. Many of my friends asked me if I was okay, however, I wasn't. I convinced myself that he lied to me and ran away. No answer for 3 months. I miss him. I hate him. I love him. I want him to disappear. All these emotions are taking over me. Too many things remind me of him and my tears are coming out more rapid than before. I still think it's funny that I'm crying so much over someone so far away and I didn't even date. Is heartbreak from a crush supposed to be this harsh? I have seen many people take rejection differently but they get over it within a few days to weeks. It's taking me months to heal from one guy I just met and talked a lot with. He probably forgot about me and doesn't even care anymore. I'm still sitting here caring about how he is doing and hoping he is maintaining his well being. My friends told me he doesn't care and that he played with my feelings. I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. I'm convinced everything is my fault since I decided to convey how I felt. My heart couldn't handle it. It was either live without confessing and not knowing how he would have responded or confess and see what he would have said. Both options would have had me in heartbreak either way if we fell out and never talked again. I hate him for all the sweet things he said. I hate him for assuring me that he cared. I hate him for all of the compliments. I hate myself for believing it. I hate myself for falling for him. I hate myself for not being careful with my heart. I hate myself for confessing. I hate myself for showing him my vulnerability. As I said before, I'm typing with eyes full of tears so there's bound to be mistakes. Its 3 am and I miss him a lot. My heart can't handle being strong anymore. I realized I have liked him a lot. Like more than I though originally. Even though I got rejected yes but it made me realize how much of my feelings went to him. I was in love and loved him. I try to let go on many occasions but something pulls be back and I become weak again. I thought he would bring me a lot of happiness but he took it away as fast as he gave me it. You would think I would be over it since it's been 3 months and I didn't date him. I'm still grieving over it and at the bottom of my heart I know the feelings are still there. Why is this so painful? Why can't I find happiness? I know all of my friends are here for me and i truly am grateful. But why is he still on my mind? Why do I still cry at the thought about him? Why did I like him so much? Why why why why why. Sometimes I will have thoughts about what if I never met him? My heart would have been spared. My tears would have not been wasted. I wouldn't be experiencing the pain I am feeling now. I regret so much because of the pain I am feeling now. I don't know what to think anymore.