Life Musings

Musing 7

Dabs for the introduction. Haven't talked to you guys in a while, and a lot of things have happened. Some times I wonder, why is jealousy a thing? It's such an ugly feeling to have within a person. Also, Jealousy by Monsta X is play (please insert reality TV show laugh here). I hate feeling jealousy to be the very honest. It takes away all of the good feelings you had within you and replaces it with something so sinister that you wish that you can act upon. I hate feeling jealous when you have feelings for someone. I wouldn't call it a crush yet because I haven't been talking to him. (Please refer to the guy in my previous muse.) Yeah, any who, today was tech rehearsal for all of my friends that are in showcase. I'm super sad that I'm not with them in the fun of tech rehearsal because you can sit around and gossip with people as you wait for your turn to go on stage by the boss lady to do the lighting for your dance. I'm also sad I don't get to share a stage with them this year. It's so much fun to perform with the people you love. I also feel sad when some people stop talking to me. I have a set number of people that I constantly text everyday. There's only like 3-4 people that I can text everyday comfortably without worrying about leading into an awkward conversation with them. I have the ability to be free and weird and jeering with them. My friends always update me with gossip, but recently I feel jealous of the time my friends spend with other people. I want to be with them and when they don't text me I feel sad and lonely. My want to then talk to people decreases more and more. I always feel like I'm similar to this girl that got kicked out of the dance studio. However, my friends keep on saying I'm like her. She left on her own accord and never came back, but I tried to stay with the studio and had reasons why I wasn't able to come that often. It made me sad. it truly did. People would prolly think 'oh this girl is sad over a studio' or 'there's other things in life so get over it'. Feels bad man. The dance studio is basically my life line at this point. If I don't go dance at least once there, I feel like I would turn into a husk and die. I would look like a neglected piece of dried corn. My passions for dance grew more and more. It grew more than my love for music and art. It's sad for me because I lost most of my motivation to draw and play instruments. I still like to draw and play instruments, but it wasn't as strong as before. I feel like an empty shell full of dead motivation. It was as if the motivation never lived and became a ghost of what it was if it did the same day that it tried to exist. Any who, that was super off topic sorry guys. I'm jealous of the people that are able to spend time with the guy I'm interested in. I want to be with him also, but I'm not in showcase so my options are limited to where I can be. I feel too free whereas everyone else is so busy with rehearsals. I'm jealous of that also. I want to be busy with rehearsal, get excited over my solos, feel happy with my friends when practicing, etc. I feel like I just made stupid decisions and my mind is a mess also. I try untangling a lot of the knots in my brain, but it leads into an even bigger knot. I'm trying my best to stay positive and not cry. I want to watch my friends perform. I'm so afraid that I will bawl my eyes out show day. I don't want to cry. I already felt the build of tears daily, but never any tears leave my eyes. I don't want to cry. I really don't want to cry. It's just not me. I have to hold strong. I almost wanted to cry when my friend was surprised at how I was holding up and not bawling at all during the process of showcase. I tend to hide my true feelings a lot. I can't bring myself to tell anyone the truth. It just isn't a thing I would do, but that's a story for another day also. Laughs to myself about all the side tracking I did here. I hate feeling jealous. It gets me angry for no reason. I want to insert myself into the picture and be happy. I also feel like if I show up somewhere for someone else's company, no one would be happy. I would rather be at home to die in my pit of jealousy and sadness than have people not want my company when I show up to see people. It's super sad to me when I'm not wanted. I want to feel wanted. I want to be part of people's lives. It makes me super sad and want to give up on having friends when I know I'm not wanted. People say they love me, but I don't know who is true and who is not. It makes it all hurt more. I'm just as human as anyone else and know that they want the comfort of another human being. It never comes to me easily and I truly wonder why. I try my best to love all of my friends and other people, but I get super irritable and start hating too easily. I hide it all too. No one will know who I was jealous of, who I hate, who I loathe to the core, who I like, who i judge, etc. In my eyes, everyone gets shit even I get shit. It's the way of life.