Snidely Porpington and the Fifth House of Hogwarts

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

In Which Our Heroes Learn Of Professor Burbage's Plan

At 11:30 the next morning half a dozen fourth-years awoke in the laundry room,grumbling to have to get up so early for their noon class. This was Muggle Studies, a new course only just introduced to the Hogwarts curriculum. It had been specially created for the arrival of a new celebrity professor, Ms. Charity Burbage. Not many young wizards in the other four houses had much interest in studying non-magical folk, but because it was entirely book-based the school had deemed it ideal for the mostly squib and unclassifiable students of Buorc.

"Do you think we'll even learn much?" Snidely asked Theresa as they walked down the corridor. "My uncle's neighbors are muggles and they're dead boring: astro-physicians or something. Who thinks of these dumb muggle jobs?"

"We could probably learn a lot," said Theresa, "if they bother to teach us anything, that is."

"What do you mean?" said Hugo, fishing a forgotten slice of pizza out of his robe pocket.

"What I mean is, I think this class has more to do with Professor Burbage than it does with any newfound wizarding interest in muggles."

"Eh?" said Snidely.

"You'll see," she said.

Walking with the three friends were Jadujeet Singh, Hideki Twaddle, and Khadija Saifi. Khadija's twin brother Khusrau should have been there too, but he was still in detention for trying to teach the house-elves how to file tax returns.

"Here it is," said Theresa, stopping in front of a nondescript door with peeling paint. They were in a newer wing of the castle which had been designed in a Brutalist concrete style of the 1950's. Despite the enthusiasm of then-Headmaster Dippet, the cinder-block aesthetic had not aged well and clashed horribly with the castle's more Gothic medieval sections. The new wing looked very shabby and old despite its newness, and had become the place where most of the unpopular or experimental classes were taught – including many of those taken by Boirkq students.

"Welcome, welcome!" said a cheery woman's voice sailing out of the classroom.

The six entered a mostly bare room full of dust and small, ugly chair-desks. A tall, blonde woman stood at the far end. She was smiling like someone trying to pass wind without anyone else knowing, which made the Boerqg students instinctively wrinkle their noses.

"Come, sit with your fellow students," the woman said, gesturing to the uninviting little desks.

On the right was a full contingent of second-year Hufflepuffs. The Buurkers didn't question this as they were often put in classes with younger students. But for some reason two older Gryffindors – Fred and George Weasley – were also present. They looked as though they'd just wandered in without knowing what was going on and sat down, with nothing better to do. Their vacant expressions also suggested they might be on one of their infamous Confundus Brownie binges. They smelled funky, so Snidely and the others sat as far away as they could.

"Well!" said the woman, "I think everyone is here now, so we can begin." Her smile faded a little as she scanned the room, perhaps having expected a few more faces.

"I'm Charity Burbage," she began, with a knowing smile suggesting of course everyone knew that. The room was stone silent. "And it is my immense pleasure to welcome you to Hogwarts' newest class: the Lives of Non-Magical Humans, or 'Muggle Studies,' for short."

Fred Weasley put up his hand for some reason.

"Er, yes?" said Burbage, clearly not expecting this.

"Why is the sky... blue?" he said in a dreamy whisper.

Professor Burbage stared at Fred in bafflement, her mouth hanging slightly open.

"I, er, I think questions will best be held to the end, if that's all right." She cleared her throat, having lost her composure a bit, and put on her glasses dangling from a rope around her neck.

"This course will examine the culture, history, and lives of Muggles, from pre-historic times to the present day. We'll delve into their similarities and differences with wizarding kind, and begin to appreciate the wonderful ingenuity with which a clearly more – challenged – race has met the same problems as wizards, but without the ability to perform magic."

Now Theresa raised her hand, sharply. Professor Burbage looked up, narrowing her eyes a bit.

"I'm sorry, we'll hold all ques–"

"What do you mean, 'challenged?'" said Theresa archly. "Are you saying Muggles are stupid or something? Bit prejudiced."

"I'm – not at all!" said Burbage, rapidly becoming flustered. "What I mean is, muggle-kind certainly doesn't have the advantages of – and so their progress has been a bit – retarded by –"

"RETARDED??" said Hugo, flabbergasted. "Do you have any idea what that word means in Muggle culture?"

"I – of course I do!" said Burbage, her face showing a pinkish tinge. "My husband is a Muggle. My children are half-bloods," she said proudly. "I think if any witch or wizard has the right – the authenticity – to talk about the Muggle Experience, it is I."

"Well I've got a Muggle dad, Miss," said Hugo, "and I'm from Little Whingeing, Surrey where the only Wizards for miles are my mum and Harry bloody Potter. And I can tell you, you do not call someone 'retarded' without asking for a swift kick in the bollocks."

"Language, please, young man!" said Professor Burbage. "And if you continue to use naughty words it will have to be detention."

Hugo scowled and fell silent. He'd only just finished his last detention shoveling invisible Thestral dung.

"I should say, on that note," said Burbage, "that as the author of the bestselling series of novels Nancy Stouffer at the Milton Keynes Academy, I think I've done as much research on Muggle life as any witch or wizard working today."

"Here we go," said Theresa to the others. Professor Burbage apparently didn't notice.

"So with no small pride I will say that our main textbooks for the class will be the Nancy Stouffer novels themselves! They are a wealth of information on the Muggle world, and will give all of you background on our more in-depth studies."

"Have either of you even read those books?" Snidely whispered "I haven't."

"Not me mate," said Hugo, "just seen the films. Load of girly bollocks."

"Girly bollocks??" said Theresa.

"Before we look at the course outline I have one further announcement," said Burbage, drawing her hands together in front like a poncy little choir child. "Most people have some inkling, I think, that besides the four traditional Hogwarts Houses there is a fifth, somewhat lesser-known house of sorts."

The Beurk students looked up at this, surprised to ever hear someone mention their house. The Hufflepuffs seemed to have no idea what she was talking about.

"This is House Boarque, or Borkc in the local dialect," said the professor. "This fifth house is a distinguished home for the many witches and wizards who find themselves differently-abled from other normal wizards – some of whom are known as 'squibs,' which I think is a problematic term in this day and age."

"We're right here, you know," said Hugo, "in the room."

"I have the privilege to announce," said Burbage, ignoring him, "that this year I will be submitting an application for House Bhoorruck to be accepted as a recognized, official house of Hogwarts – with myself as Head of House!"

"YOU WOT!!!" cried the Brorkers as one.