Memoir

The last

(Warning this might be a trigger for those suffering right now. I'm not writing this for that reason but to record everything just so I never forget)
After I moved away things became tough. My grandma and I fought often about how I was messy, I was working a job which didn't give me a lot of money, and I didn't have my grandad with me anymore.
It was really tough.
My mother refused to sign my forms for me to go to college in the spring so that got delayed. I even became homeless for a while until I got invited back to my grandmas.
I started working two jobs, 10-5 at a restaurant and 10-6 at a nursing home as a CNA. I saved up quite a bit for college and then quit the restaurant job. I worked only at the nursing home for a while after.
I knew you were proud of my hard work. I just wished I would have actually told you when it got super difficult working two jobs and being homeless. I just didn't want you to think I couldn't have a life of my own and that I don't work for anything. I knew how much you appreciated hard workers.
Things got even more rough after my 19th birthday. I moved in with some friends after another fight with my grandma, which was the worst decision of my life.
I got a better job working at a gas station but I had started to spend all my money on my friends and food. I spent a lot on doctor bills too. Eventually I spent up all the money I saved up and my car started to wear down. You offered me to move back in with you but I was stubborn and told you I wanted to go to college no matter what.
They kept inviting people to live there, not good people, who would steal from me all the time. I hated them but I didn't want to admit defeat. Stubbornness runs in the family.
So everything was going downhill again quick and I didn't know what to do. I get a call from you and I lie, telling you I'm okay and fine with living at my friends house. You asked me about college but you were strange about it. I got scared and told you I would come see you on my days off. You told me you would expect me then I dyed my hair pink that day just to tell myself I'll make things different.
The next day I get a phone call from my grandma. She told me to sit down because she had bad news. A bottomless pit formed in my stomach at those words.
You were gone from me.
I couldn't breathe and everything started to shake. My friends got concerned but I just left the house and immediately headed to my moms. I got in contact with anyone I could at the moment which was a horrible decision while driving. Thankfully I didn't crash and I got to my moms.
The first thing I hear from my moms mouth while she on the phone was that they had to investigate the area.
I couldn't fathom anything at that point.
I was so scared, what if you had gotten murdered by one of those women? Did a thief come to take away everything from the house?
It took a while for me to find out but I didn't learn until after the whole family got together.
You were gone on your own terms.
Everyone was told by the police that it was a suicide. I couldn't believe it. It couldn't have been true. I didn't want it to be true. This wasn't like you at all.
You left notes. Methodical notes on how you want your funeral and how the will should be.
The pages were nothing like your handwriting and smudged.
You always had the prettiest handwriting.
I didn't believe it.
Not until I came back home.
We found the spot you did it. Outside, facing the sunset sitting in a lawn chair. You raised the gun to your jaw and pulled the trigger on one of the guns you loved.
We found pieces of you still sitting in the same spot.
Your dog Dixie the Australian Shepherd protected you from coyotes and wolves that night. I couldn't thank her enough.
Nothing in my life has been right ever since. It's been months and I still can't get anything out of my fucking head. I wished I had come back. You wrote that you did this for medical reasons but I wished you hadn't.
You didn't have cable or Netflix anymore so you would sit without tv now. You didn't take your meds for months. Your pantry was basically empty.
If I was there I could have helped you. You offered for me to come back and it would have helped us both but I refused over a childish belief that I didn't need help when I need so much help now. I'm still breaking down every damn day. I miss you. I miss the stupid pranks. I miss your wit. I miss the personality and care I had gotten used to.
I just want everything to go back so that I could do right by you like you did me. I know the family blames me. I was supposed to be his caretaker, that's what my mom always called me.
But I'm nothing.
Please come back.....
I miss you more than I can fathom
Please
Please
Please
Please just come and say you'll be here
Please just come and say "thank you Jesus"
Please just come and say you won't go.
Please don't let it end like this
I never got to see you again when I promised I would
Please tell me all over again about your dreams and favorite color and stuff
Please let me be able to help you like you did me
Please just let me say goodbye one last time
I miss you and all I want is another chance