It's been a year already. A year since I've last seen you alive. A year since I've heard a genuine "BYEEEEE BYE." Im still having people talk to me about it. I can't walk into my hometown convenient store without a dumbass trying to ask me about your house, your property, why you did it, etc. he didn't even know my name so I fucking annoyed him back.
I don't care anymore.
I cared about you.
I'm tired of trying to make life work when it just isn't going to for me. I'm tired of trying to find some light only to be pushed again further into a pit of darkness.
I'm scared of whatever this lump in my neck is
I'm scared I'll never make something of myself
I'm scared I'm going to let everyone down
Everyone had expectations of me, but not like you did. They expect it to be barely anything that I have a normal life and continue to just be the same stupid dorky self I've always been.
You were one of the only ones who wanted me to become better and to achieve everything I could.
But I don't think I can.
What happens to achieving anything when you feel empty all the time
What happens when all I can think about is following in your footsteps
What happens when everything I've known is lost and I can't find a way to live again
I shut down
I keep lashing out
I don't care anymore
I just wish that maybe
I could have dreamed.
That I could dream that while I was in college that I could take you to meet someone I cared about.
And that maybe someone who cares about me will be with me for a while
And that maybe one day we might have a child
And that one day I could take my child to you to know
And that one day you died peacefully
No bloody endings
No splattered remains
No pieces of bone lying in the red dirt
I could say I love you before you go
I could have told you what you meant to me
I could have showed you that I made a life and that I'm happy you were in it
I still haven't done anything with myself
The smallest things make me proud now
Writing this down is somewhat helping
Even if I hate it
I hate the fact that I have to sit here and pour my eyes and heart out into a text people can read and not understand. I don't even understand why, when it just makes me also remember that you're gone. And that I just
don't want to care anymore and
It's only been a year.
YOU ARE READING
Memoir
ContoI'm just writing down stuff that makes me laugh and cry when I think of you. I miss you so much and I don't even know if you know. There is suicide in here. Please don't make yourself suffer through this if you are not able to at the moment. This is...
