disclaimer;; this is not an essay or a poem.
this is just my mind dumping every stored up thought or mind juices i have in my brain for the past few days.
i haven't wrote in quite awhile, seems really odd to just type today, but also therapeutic. listening to a lot of bon iver and let me just say, what a man.
he has his voice that makes you want to write something, he has this certain aura in his voice that just speaks nostalgia. you could almost feel his hand pressing unto your cold back, rubbing it in such manner and whispers the lyrics. it's warm. like a good hot cup of coffee in a cold rainy day, that kind of company whispers utter joy.
bon iver's music reminds me of tons of stuff.
like wilting flowers, roses that bloomed in spring and slowly wilt with the ignorance of ugly neighbors. he reminds me of a good early morning hike up to a steep hill. getting up at 4:30 in the morning with leggings, a jacket and running shoes. then starting with the cold breeze freezing your nose as it turns slightly pink than usual, then getting on the hill greeting you with sunshine's beauty and the array of clouds.
bon iver reminds me of friends.
a company of good friends will always be pleasure. i am an actual living introvert and i don't have that many trustworthy friends in my 14 years of existence, but i do have some friends. and they stood by my side for nearly 3 years. i know some of you have gotten 10 years with their friends, but i don't care. good for you, but i gotta stick with my gut since they're my literal family.
i hope they know how much i actually love them, i actually think i'm a pretty shit friend, honestly. i sometimes feel like i don't deserve the love they give me because i know that they need that kind of love too. i don't tell them this often, but i love every single one of them.
i have this friend who has been with me for 3 years, she's a total dork over 1D and gets pretty ashamed of it, loves reading like me and she's really good at English literature, i have to admit.
i haven't really told her how much she actually was a hero to me, because it'll take so much of her time and i don't want to be a disturbance. she always says how much of an 'ate' (or big sister) i was to her and how grateful she was to have me. well, jokes aside. yes, i can be a big sister to her, but that doesn't compare the amount of lessons she gave me.
yes, i am matured in some way, but that doesn't compare to her strength and resilience. she has so many battles to fight and i'm stunned to see her smile and laugh even though she is in need of support.
yes, i can be strong in some aspects, but that will never compare her strength as a person. she never knew how much she stood out in my eyes. though she cried several times at my shoulder, it made me admire her even more because she was able to be vulnerable without any masks involved.
when we were 11 she always muttered how dumb she was, but i honestly loved who she was as a person, simply on how she responded, her laugh and corny jokes. she saved me from every heartbreak i had and never made me feel like i was alone in this harrowing world.
i heard some news a few years back that my friend was not gonna come back. aka that friend of mine will sooner leave.
of course, as a person who has separation anxiety, i dread the feeling.
she was a choir mate and it crushed me when she left. the hurt last for five days then i recovered. but what kept me really sad and blue for the next few weeks was the anxiety that she would leave.
the friend that gave me so much. the only friend i had who total loved me for who i was.
she thought i was all sad because of my choirmate whom i lost, but she didn't know i was getting all sad and blue because of the potential of her leaving me.
i hate how afraid i was
i hate the feeling that she will sooner or later leave in my life because
apparently everybody is temporary. even cute kittens.
i hate it.
i really hated it.
but at least she didn't.
she was my blanket that gave me warmth when no one was actually there. she was my handkerchief who blew and wiped my tears away.
she is such a beautiful human being. i love her so much and i hope she knows how much i actually value her in my life. i want her to realize that she's so very special.
and if she needs help and support, my shoulder will always be here for her head to lay unto.
another thing that reminds me of bon iver's incredible tunes is love
but not sweet love; more of the harrowing; haunting kind of love.
believe me or not, i haven't felt that kind of love or affection before other than ridiculous and stupid first love. the feeling where everything feels like mist whenever you touch his/her hand, sort of like what you image clouds feel like, soft and fluffy.
elio perlman from call me by your name haunted my dreams ever since, the sweet innocent cry of his 17 year old spirit instantly reminded me of myself, not saying that i'm gay, but just how his creative mind works.
they way how attracted he was to oliver and how blissfully in love he was is the part that blew me away.
i love how actors do that, depict a certain emotion solely from a 120 paged script.
anyways.
i have so many things to talk about, because i still have 3 more minutes of bon iver's voice in my speakers, but i guess i'll stop here.
i wish you guys read this part, if you want to get to know my brain, well read this.
maybe i'll make more of this, but maybe not bon iver.
3:37pm / june 14, 2018
hot afternoon during summer
