call me by your name made my soul burst into tears.
seeing elio's tears drip from his eyes to his red cheeks landing down to his toes made me crumble down. it was absolutely heart-wrenching. as oliver went to that train ride going back to america, you could feel the tension between the two souls.
no words has been said at that critical moment, yet you felt the intensity between them. and as the train starts to engine, you could feel elio's legs wanting to jump up and run for the train to stop. the eagerness and the strive to make oliver stay.
but he just watched.
helplessly.
swallowing the hurt down his throat thinking it would help him to feel better. it was as if he was looking to reality. he knew he'd go a long time ago. but little that he knew that he fell for him that hard. and it was too late to even try to make the moment last for the both of them.
don't fool yourselves over me because I haven't watched the whole film yet, I watched a couple of scenes and boy, my heart was crushed into bits. made me think about how cruel life can be.
things that we actually want can't last and that's the saddest truth that you'll ever learn or swallow. i met friends who meant the world to me but as time passed, life just abruptly takes them away from you saying that it's a way of teaching you to move on and learn. and until now, i'm still confused by it.
i, myself have problems with acceptance. i'm the type of person who holds grudges quite a ton and doesn't forget that easily. which isn't really a good thing.
i can admit that i had people yanked out of my life plenty of times, and it still hurts the same way i felt it for the first time. she had too many personal things going on so they had to protect me from her so that she could live a better and healthier life.
like elio; i was helplessly desperate. seeing her for the last time was the most traumatizing thing i ever felt. because i can't say anything. i was mute. silent.
but my mind was racing. i already felt the bitterness running in my veins crawling up to my fingers. the energy generating from my head. all the parts of my heart were barely pieced together properly. it was laid ripped on the floor with muddy footprints of reality.
I was in need of a run, I was generating thermal energy within me. but i can't move. it was as if i was chained by the horrifying walls of life. drowned inside a pool. choked by an inhumane person. taped shut by a murderer.
i was unable to speak nor move though i could. it was traumatizing.
she waved a goodbye and that was it, two months ago.
i wouldn't say that i was gay for her. but i felt so much better when i was around her. it was as if we were sisters. but things need to change so, unfortunately, she was next in line to get kicked out of my unfortunate life.
but the only difference i had with elio perlman and i, was that he had a person who loved him and i don't.
as time passed, i sooner realized how dumb it is for me to actually fall in love again. it's a total waste of time, since if you fall in love at the same time, you'd get hurt by it along the way.
so what's the point of loving if you're gonna get yourself hurt anyway?
people nowadays get so blinded with love, to the point where things gets uncanny and a bit inappropriate and it's honestly annoying. because in the end, you'd still get hurt by it.
call me a bitter person or not, but that is just what i'm trying to say. time passes and you'd sooner realize how uncanny love can be and how deceiving it could be to the eyes. except if you do believe in "soul mates"
wow, what a sudden transition.
i can admit though, i still want someone to like me but i guess it's the biggest risk that i'll ever give to somebody and to myself.
because i know they'll leave. someday.
elio perlman really just got in my teeny tiny heart, call me by your name in general made me cry.
this one is random. hope you like another dump.
august 11 2019
midnight in the cold weather season
