Radha's Krishna

52. ||PAIN||

Posterity has not labeled me as the strongest woman
Because I continued living
After my reason to live
Left home.

They didn't get the little details right
That I was just a breathing body
Not Radha anymore.

Initially
It was treacherous.
It stabbed my heart
It clogged my eyes
It was tormenting,
To say the least.

Floors began to be
Mopped more often
Shelves began to be dusted more often
How naïve of me to think
These little errands and the labour they demanded
Would keep me away from feeling the
Pain.

I know you know
But many don't.
Truth to be told,
I was scared of feeling the tremor
I didn't want it
To grip me
Twist the fragile bones in my body
And eat me alive.

That's the power of pain
It can kill you while you
Still breathe.

And then one day
I dreamt.
What a lovely dream that was!
I dreamt of a blue boy
Playing His merry flute
Clad in shimmering yellow
With a girl.

The night sky darkened
The flute began to crescendo
And then
Stopped.
The girl
Asked the boy
"What is it that you feel right now?"
The boy smiled
The most beautiful smile in the cosmos
And said
"Love".

I woke up to a brighter day, Krishna.
You came when the path was weary
And my feet were tired.
You would always do that
But that day
I just wanted to thank you
And probably shed a tear or two.

It dawned on me
If I had felt the love
Why can't I feel the pain?

And so I did.
I shed tears.
It thawed my frost bitten heart
I apologized to it
For being so overbearing on it
For giving it
The massive burden
Of a repressed pain to bear.

I felt the pain, Krishna.
It didn't make me happier
But it didn't kill me, either.
In fact it saved me
From drowning
In an unending, eternal ocean
Of pure misery.

You don't know what your heart is capable of
Until you do the thing you fear the most.
For me, it was
Feeling.

And that's how
I became
The strongest woman in history.