Born To Die ~ Jachary AU

To

In Too Deep
"I can't breathe, but I'm living..."

"You're good at that."

I looked up, wide eyed at the man that stood in my doorway. I set my guitar beside me, after strumming a chord, thinking about Zach. Lately, the kids been on my mind, and I fear the worst, but possibly the best. I may have feelings for the boy, and I'm not quite sure about how I feel about it.

I smile up at the man I may consider my dad, though he isn't mine. He's Ava's and Isla's, but he treats me and Sydnie like his own, and that's all I could ever ask for. "Yeah?"

Darrin nods. "Yeah." Then he smiles widely, "Dinner's ready, incase you some how wanted to join." Darrin says as he turns. I simply just shake my head no once, and then pick my guitar back up, strumming a c chord and humming. Darrin chuckles, "Figured not, but your mother wanted me to ask anyways."

I smile up at him, "Tell her thanks, and I that I'll eat later, when I'm hungry."

Darrin hesitates, then nods. He shuts the door as he turns to walk away, I let my fingers strum the strings on my guitar absentmindedly as I stare at nothing in particular.

And my thoughts roam to the boy that's been there for me since... well, ever since I could remember. His naturally rosy cheeks and adorable boyish grin, I was bound to have feelings from the start. Anyone could fall for the brunette. He's sweet, caring, outgoing, smart, funny, beautiful. He's beautiful in every which way. He has a beautiful soul, a beautiful spirit, a beautiful smile, beautiful personality. Gorgeous eyes.

I think that I've unconsciously accepted the fact that I have feelings for the almost eighteen year old boy. And that they plan to go no where anytime soon. Which sucks, because I'm never going to tell him, it just can't happen. My mom already thinks of me as a burden, she doesn't need a gay burden.

I sigh as I start to hum a short tune, hearing a few words in my head. And, without thinking, the words fall from my mouth. It happens a lot, I mean, with music there isn't much thought to it. It's art at its finest, in my opinion. It's just an opinion though, seeing as I don't have a knack for pencils or paints. Just an instrument and some vocal chords, and some deep feelings and words to go with it.

"
Im in too deep.
Can't touch the bottom with my feet.
Don't know what you did to me,
I can't breathe but I'm living.
I'm... In too deep.
"

I sigh, what the fuck am I going to do? I can't just sit around here and wait for my feelings to slowly diminish as I fuck everything that walks. When did I ever think that was okay? I'm such a fucking idiot, everyone hates the fuckboy, except for the slutty girls and the occasional gay boy that's willing to give you a blowjob if you just talk to him.

Doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing it.

I groan and throw my head back, setting my guitar to the side rather roughly. I purposely fall of my bed and onto my floor with a loud thud in dramatic agony. I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

God fucking dammit Jack, what is your problem?

"What the hell did I just witness?"

I jump, quickly scrambling up at the sound of my sisters voice. Sydney smirks at me from my door way, a plate of various foods in one hand, a glass of iced water in the other.

I sigh and relax a bit, "A man slowly going insane because he hates his feelings and hates the world and dislikes the woman that put him on it." I ramble in a run on sentence, barely pausing.

Sydney laughs as she invites herself into my room. It would normally make me mad, but any of my sisters are welcome into my room at any point of time. No one else... except for Zach... "Drama queen." She tsks and rolls her eyes, but the amusement is still very evident in her brown eyes.

I playfully glare at her. "Say what you want, Syd, but I believe that my small world of pretty much nothing but utter fuck is coming to a less than tragic ending." I then throw myself at the ground again.

"Well, Mr. Utter fuck-" I laugh out loud, Sydney snorts. "I brought you some food for your last hours, and I know well enough that you would rather starve then go down there while mom was in the room. I figured you might've wanted warm food tonight."

I stare at my ceiling a moment. "Thank you, Syddo." I murmur as the smell of warm steak and green beans finally makes its way to my nostrils.

Sydney once again snorts at another nickname, this one coming from my mouth. "You're very welcome, Jacko." She says with a smirk. And without another word, she leaves.

I turn my head to stare at my now closed door, now with nothing but an empty mind and a closed throat.

Oh, how my life has turned to shit.