Insanity

9.

The sun rose not too long ago so I assumed it was around 6. Chelsea woke me up with her crying, so I had to make sure she went to bed. I was due for a private therapy session one I've been dreading.

I knew a lot would be discussed from the death of Gorge to the almost death of me. Although I barely had a conversation with Gorge it was odd knowing he was gone. The others took it hard, and I could tell.

Many (Ian) pretended it didn't matter, until it became so clear it was crystal. It wasn't until dinner yesterday I saw it.

Naomi told me Ian had been burning his own skin with a lighter. Of course he pleads insanity, and that it was his hallucinations fucking with his brain. But the truth was clear. Ian was emotional wrecked. As was everyone else, but Ian was heartbroken.

Nothing was the same.

A rumour has it visitor day is today. I expect my father to come, but I've learned to expect little.

Chelsea had no family, but a lousy brother she hardly mentioned. So every visitor day she expects a 30 minute meeting and gifts from other parents.

I knew it hurt her to know if she got out one day she'd be completely alone. I couldn't imagine a world alone. However I couldn't imagine someone burning their own flesh either. (A lot happens in a mental institutions.)

If my dad did come I made a list of things I want him to know.

1. I'm not angry at him.

2. I still love him.

3. Mom's still dead to me.

I know there is 50% she'll be there with him, but I like thinking in denial.

I always blame my bullies for my suck ass life, but my mom is the one to blame. She has always been to blame.

She ruined me. After spending almost a day in an elevator I learned a lot about others and myself. As in:

Bipolar disorder is a bitch.

I hate being normal.

Nurses sure are clingy.

Being stuck with people for hours at a time is hell.

I heard Chelsea yawn so I shut my notebook of pointless lists and acted as if I was asleep as well.

"I heard we have chicken biscuits again today." She said stretching already out of bed.

"Goody." I said with a faux smile.

"What do you enjoy?" She asked oddly. "I mean I've never heard you talk about anything you like other than girls."

"The Internet." I said awkwardly.

"I can get you that." She said with a smile. "Anything else greedy bitch." She said pressing the call nurse button.

"Some damn music."

"Music?" She said thinking for awhile. "Look, if Ian gets some good things from his father there is a high chance he'll be in a good enough mood to take a trip to the basement."

"Have you been there?" I asked.

"No, but I heard that's were they keep our docs." She said messing with her dirty blonde hair.

"As in why we're here?"

"Sure, I suppose they'd include that."

"I need to get down there." I said my eyes darting back and forth focused on the ground thinking of how great this opportunity is.