My brother has now left, my parents are coming back in 2 days and me and Michael are back to normal.
Me and Ashton got quite closer too, he's like my new bestie.
The only thing that's been bothering me is the hate.
Not just the hate.
The amount of hate is a big issue, just as much of an issue of what they actually say.
I'm getting more death threats by the day and a lot of people telling me to commit suicide, they Aren't saying it directly but "jump off a bridge" and "if you really need to, I'll give you the rope" and comments like that are really upsetting. Not to mention the "You should find a razor and cut yourself" or "for you, self harm is a good option"
I hate it.
Id by lying if I said that they weren't always this bad
It's just I'm very bipolar when it comes to my depression. It's also the depression that makes me relies all the hate that I'm getting.
I really don't know what to do
I've been clean for about 5 months now and I don't want to start again.
My mum knows about it. She knows about all my mental health issues but my dad doesn't. That means if my depression comes back, I will have to stay away from him even more.
Right now I'm in my bed, talking to Michael and Ashton on the phone cuz the other boys are away to the shop or something.
'How you doing?' Ashton asked me, sounding worried
'I'm okay why?'
'You seem a bit off'
'It's just you, I'm okay, might be a bit tired though' I tell them
'That might be it' Michael says 'go to bed lex' he adds
'But I wanna stay up and talk to you' I whine
'We can talk tomorrow, as for now, you can go to bed.'
'Fine' I whine again
'See ya tomorrow' I add
'Byeee babe' says Michael
'Bye lexibear' ash tell me
After that I ended up falling asleep straight away.
-morning-
I woke up feeling like complete and otter shit.
I was really tired, had no motivation.
(Bipolar disorder does that, one day/moment you could be perfectly fine, the next you might be only thinking about suicide.)
The worst part is that when I'm on a high, I'm on a HIGH so I'll be energetic and happy but when I'm on a low, I'm depressed and sad, stressed out etc. And that's a depressive episode.
What's worse is that there's no in between.
I am sopose to take pills for it but I risk my dad finding out if I do.
I went downstairs to make myself breakfast, I made cereal but ate bearly any of it.
I went up to the spare room and started to smoke.
I really needed this.
A few hours past, all I done was sit on my phone, ignoring all messages and calls because I really can't be bothered with anything right now.
But then I started crying
I don't know why
Or how
I just did
I started to cry my eyes out to the point where all the thoughts came back
"Kill yourself"
"Die"
"Worthless"
Everything is coming back, I don't know what to do. I run to the bathroom and grab a razor and without thinking I bring it to my wrist and slide it across, multiple times, all the way down to my elbow, all around, till it's all just blood.
When I was done, I sat there crying for a bit longer then cleaned up and walked out of the bathroom as if nothing ever happened.
I went downstairs and sat on the sofa.
I slowly felt tired and ended up falling asleep.
I woke up to the door being slammed shut. Then I see my dad walking in the living room.
'Why are you back so early?' I ask
'We need to talk' is all he says and sits down beside me
'What is it?'
'Why one earth did you think that bringing your brother in this house would be possible with out me finding out?' He asked 'huh?' He sad more harshly making me move back a bit
'Because he's my brother. I never get to see him, I missed him'
'I don't care. He's a bad influence on you'
'No he's not! All he does is good for this family, your the one who fucks up this whole family and makes everyone unhappy. It's all your fault!' I snap
'Don't you fucking dare speak to me like this!'
'Or what your gonna send me to boarding school? Huh? Not like I'm your little doll that you use because you get money out of it' I say making him get up and walk out the door
'I'm getting you mother and she can sort you out' he said sharply and slammed the door and walked out the house.
I went mad, I started to punch walls and I threw a glass from the table. I took a picture frame with him in it and threw it against the wall, I then slammed one of the stools in the kitchen across the counters, then finally I went full force into the wall, leaving a hole in it.
After a few seconds I started to feel dizzy. Suddenly all I see is black.
