ecstasy. || jeffmads (DISCONTINUED)

|chapter 5|

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In my room, I sat at my desk with a sketchbook and pencil. I was doing a quick sketch of what I imagined I would've seen if I'd gone with Gilbert. I couldn't help it. It was something I did when I wanted to get something out of my head. I would draw or write it. I didn't insist on writing about him because I knew that whatever I began with, no matter how innocent, it would have turned into something else by the end of it. It wasn't like it was a bad thing, though. I just had more important things to focus on right now, and things like that could definitely wait.

I was distracted away from my drawing when I heard my phone vibrate. It wasn't near me because I didn't really use it that much. I stood up and went to get it from the nightstand. I unlocked it to see that I had two new messages. One was from a groupchat which had been named 'Plants n Shit'. I frowned. What kind of title was that? I ignored it, however and looked at the message which read, "Hey James, Theo here. This is our group." That made sense. I typed back, "Thanks for adding me." Then I left that conversation turning to the next.

It was an unknown number. The message read "Hey Chum, it's Dolley. Just wanted to say what's up and if you've got any problems you can talk to me. P.s. Got your # from Theo." With a winky face at the end. I typed back, "Hey. Thanks." Before saving her name and putting my phone down again.

I went back to my desk, hoping they wouldn't use the chat too much because I was very inconsistent when it came to texting. I hardly texted anyone, anyway. Picking up my pencil again, I began lightly shading my drawing, keeping the same pressure for each fine stroke. I thought about how much effort I was putting into this drawing which no one was actually going to see. But I didn't stop, determined to make it perfect.

Suddenly, there was a soft knock on my door. I paused my actions, listening out.
"James, honey. Its me."
Mom? I thought. I debated on whether or not to answer. I stood up, slowly making my way to the door, but apparently I took too long, because just as I put my hand on the handle, she started talking again.
"Okay, you don't have to answer. I just wanted to see if you needed anything. She paused, I paused.
"Okay, well, I'm in the kitchen if you need me."

Then, she left. I didn't hear her leave, but I knew she did because I suddenly felt alone. I sighed, going to lie on my bed on my stomach, my head resting on my arms. I'd always felt as if my mother was the only person who'd understand me if I spoke to her. But I'd made myself so isolated that she thought I didn't want to talk to her each time she approached me. But I did. I really, really did. I just never knew where to start and failed to find my words quickly enough.

I closed my eyes for a few seconds. I swear on my life, it was a few seconds. It wasn't until I opened my eyes at 4am still on my bed, the lights on and in the clothes I'd worn to school that I realized I'd fallen asleep. I sat up immediately.
"Fuck!" I cursed, silently, getting up and off the bed. I hadn't even showered.

I tutted. The water was probably cold now. That was very annoying. But I was so tired that I didn't even care, stripping my clothes and going anyway. Lucky for me - and very lucky indeed - the water was still hot. I sighed and looked down at my feet while the warm water fell. How did that even happen? I hadn't even felt that tired.

I was actually too tired now to shower properly, and after basically just standing there, I turned the water off. The colder air hit me again and I shivered. But as long as I felt at least rinsed, I was fine. Once I'd got out and got dressed, I turned the lights off and got into bed. As usual, I didn't fall asleep straight away, but stared at the ceiling and let my mind wander.

I thought about Aaron, Theodosia and Dolley. Then... I thought about Thomas. I might finally see him. It was as if I was sort of... determined. Determined to find out who he was. He was probably cool. Friendly. Generous. Like his friends. But no. What if he wasn't? What if he was rude? Unkind? Selfish? Judgmental? I didn't want to be too sure, and therefore, I braced myself.

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