ecstasy. || jeffmads (DISCONTINUED)

|chapter 6|

TW: Degradation/sexist slurs.

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The next day hadn't started off the best. I woke up late and was twenty minutes late for class. Everyone looked at me and began whispering. I just ignored them and went to sit at the back of the classroom like I always did. And then, in that very same lesson, I was called on to answer a question which I wasn't able to do because I wasn't paying attention. Maybe that was mainly on me, but I was doing something else at the time when he was explaining.

Just those five minutes which caused me to miss the answer to an entire question? He stared at me, as did the rest of them. He told me he wasn't going to move on until I answered, thus, I answered. I didn't answer correctly, but I answered nonetheless.

That was obviously a disaster in so many aspects, but life went on. Lunchtime came and I was sitting in my usual spot, alone, with my book. I stopped reading at one point, remembering what Theodosia had said to me the day before about coming to sit with her and her friends. I had said I'd think about it, and here I was now, thinking about it.

I still wasn't sure. They had seemed like nice people from the start, and now I knew they were. We worked well together for the project, and now she'd been kind enough to invite me to actually join her clique. It was unusual for me. I still wasn't used to other human association.

But I was afraid. I was afraid of bringing awkwardness and negativity into their lives. I was afraid of killing their fun because I was always so grey. I was afraid of being misunderstood. I was afraid they wouldn't accept me and my personality. She had told me they were accepting. I sort of believed her. Maybe they were accepting of other people, but would they be accepting of me once I stuck around a little longer? What if they changed their minds the moment I arrived?

They were very kind people. I had an idea of how their minds worked. But I couldn't bring myself to match that. I just couldn't see it happening. Therefore, I made the decision not to go. But who knows? Maybe I'd change my mind. Someday. Just not today.

It was too late now, anyway. The bell had just gone. I stood up, preparing myself for the second half of my day.

*

Once again, I sat alone, with my book. I looked at the time. 2.55pm. Maybe I'd get there early for once. Make a good impression of myself and show I could be prompt. I sighed and stood up, putting my book in my bag. I made my way to our table. They weren't there yet. Good for you, James. I told myself. While waiting, I decided to play a game of naughts and crosses with myself to pass the time. I pulled out a pen and a piece of paper - small - about the size of my hand.

I thought I'd been playing for ages. I looked at the time, 2.58pm. They would be arriving any time soon. But no. 3.05pm, no one had shown up. Maybe they got caught up. Nope. 3.10, no one. I began to feel anxious. I took a deep breath, unwilling to throw myself into a panic attack. Not here. Not now.

Five more minutes, I thought. If they aren't here by quarter past... I'm leaving.

Quarter past. I felt a fool. I stood up, scrunching up the piece of paper in my frustration. How could they? Why would they? Or maybe it was me. Maybe they'd finally come to their senses and found better. But still, no order to leave? Not even a "Sorry, we don't want you anymore."? I ran my hand through my hair as I walked. I should've known better. I was James Madison, after all. No one wanted me around. Not even-

"James!" I heard my name being called. I listened out, maybe I was hearing things,
"Yo, James!" No. I definitely wasn't. I knew that voice. It was the voice of the first person from this school who'd ever spoken to me properly. I turned around to see him walking quickly towards me. Aaron.
"Dude, where were you? We thought you weren't here today. We were-" He paused and looked at me, his brown eyes softening.
"What happened? You good?"
I could feel the tears, but I refused to let them fall.
"Uh, y- um, yeah. I was just... uh, I couldn't- I mean, I got there... like, there and, like, uh... you weren't, uh, I didn't-" he cut me off, placing a hand on my shoulder,
"James, calm down. Deep breath."