ecstasy. || jeffmads (DISCONTINUED)

| t w e n t y - f o u r |

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I believe every question has an answer. It matters not how bizarre, unrealistic or far-fetched this question may seem, but the answer is there. It exists. The most impossible sounding question has an answer to it. It may take time and effort to find this answer, and you may never find it yourself, but it's there and it exists. We must always remember this. Everything happens for a reason, every action has an equal opposite reaction, and every question has an answer. This thought came to mind when I was doing my usual: thinking. Well, I was reading, then stopped for a second to reflect on life. Life was full of questions. I was full of questions about life. I thought some of my questions couldn't be answered because they were so damn complicated, but even still, why would questions exist if they didn't have answers? Now answer that.

*

Unusually, my Monday went by quicker than usual. The five of us were at our workplace actually being productive. It was quarter to four already. We'd been discussing and putting stuff together, stopping in between to chat. We were actually close to finishing our project, and it was going to be great. I was relieved, but at the same time I felt as if that would be it. I would have to go back to being a loner every second of every day. It isn't like I was new to this, but I knew I'd feel incomplete. Not that I felt complete now, but I just felt visible for once.

  "Hey," Theodosia started, looking up from her laptop, expression lit up as if she'd just gotten the brightest idea in the world, "you guys should come sleep over this weekend. Well, only if you can."
  "As in, at your house?" Dolley asked, Theodosia nodding in response to her question. Dolley looked at the rest of us then shrugged.
  "Don't see why not. Plus, I love your puppies."
Theodosia smiled then looked to us.
  "Guys?"
Thomas shrugged too.
  "Yeah. If I don't have a match then I'll be there. I love your mom's cooking."
He informed, chuckling. She rolled her eyes playfully at him.
  "Yeah," Aaron began, "I mean, I don't have anything on I don't think. I love- your video games." He said, clearly saving himself from saying something other. She winked at him who gave her a shy smile. She then turned to me and lifted her eyebrows.
"James?"

Hm. This was a difficult choice to make. I'd never been invited to someone else's house before, let alone a sleepover. Well, that obviously didn't include relatives when I was a kid. Sure, I felt comfortable enough around these guys, but I wasn't sure. If I went, what was the worst that could happen? A sudden alien attack? A frickin' plague? It was just a sleepover between five high-school students for Pete's sake. We'd probably just spend the entire time talking about stupid stuff, snacking, listening to music and watching TV. That wasn't bad at all. But I would have to meet Theodosia's family. Talking to new people wasn't my forte under any circumstances. Alone at another family's household? Well, not alone, but still. What if I had an anxiety attack? Or worse, a panic attack? Would they know how to handle it? What if I suddenly fell into that dark hole in the middle of it?

STOP, I thought. I was assuming the worst right now. That wasn't the way to go. That wouldn't help anyone. I paused. They were all looking at me. Theodosia with her head tilted, confused. Dolley and Aaron frowning, concerned. Thomas, eyebrows even... and trying to read my fucking mind. Speak, I told myself. Fucking speak.

"Not sure. Uh, I don't think I can make it." I said. Seriously?? What the hell was wrong with me?? But Theodosia nodded, a damned smile on her face.
"Hey, that's totally okay. Don't worry."
I wasn't worried, I was... anxious. But I nodded.
"Thanks... but if things change I'll let you know."
She nodded and smiled at me. For once I thought smile back, but I couldn't fucking do it. She didn't seem to mind a damn bit. I just sighed, unintentionally turning my head to face Thomas who was next to me. He gave me a small smile then looked down at his laptop, pushing up his glasses. He looked disappointed. Like a child denied of meeting his best friend, he looked disappointed. I knew that was because he'd probably had some hope that I'd say yes. I sighed, I'm sorry, I thought, I'm really fucking sorry.