ecstasy. || jeffmads (DISCONTINUED)

| t w e n t y - t h r e e |

TW: Mention of ridiculing of self-harm.

♢♢♢♢

For a person who doesn't talk as much as I should, I really needed to shut my mouth. I hated it that when I had to speak I didn't, and when I didn't have to speak, I did. As someone who often overthinks, I thought I'd handle thinking before I spoke better. But no. Oh no. Sure, I'd finally told Thomas he shouldn't get his hopes up, but in the worst way possible. Bonus point, immediately deducted. Fuck me, I thought. I sighed and got up, tossing both my phone and book on my bed, then going to my desk. I was just going to draw or write. Couldn't fuck anything else up that way. I sat down and opened my sketchbook to the last picture of Jayden which I drew. Hm, I thought as I looked at it. I stared at his smile. It was a handsome smile. Sort of looked like Gilbert's, with a hint of Aaron, Thomas, and mine; the one I hadn't shown in forever. I looked at his eyes; although drawn in grey pencil, I envisioned the chocolate brownness of them. I looked at the structure of his face, perfect the way it was. Hm, I thought, getting an idea.

I went to get my phone then came back and sat it down next to my drawing tools, which, at this point were a few pencils, an eraser and my sketchbook itself. I sighed and opened Instagram on my phone, typing in that dramatic username. I was about to tap on the photo I wanted but remembered I still hadn't liked his last post. I tapped on it. It was him, of course. He had his head down, wrists crossed in front of him, and whether they were real or not, had chains attached to both. The caption read: "Be the imprisoner or be the imprisoned." That was profound. Though I refused to analyse it because I'd just become depressed. I liked it then tapped on the one I wanted. The one of him, Spud and Kitten, the dogs. I shook my head as I remembered the names. After examining the photo for a couple of seconds, I was ready to start. I picked up my pencil, Good luck, I wished myself.

*

It took me literally two and a half hours to finish drawing that picture. But so fucking what? It was a handsome drawing. It deserved an A+, I thought. It looked almost exactly like the original. Though, I had accidentally put the dogs on the wrong sides of Thomas. But so what? I just stared at it. Did I draw that? Excuse my arrogance, but it was a good fucking drawing. I tutted and took two pictures of it with my phone. It really was an amazing picture. I almost didn't want to give it away. But, maybe I didn't have to. I could just send him a picture of the drawing. But no. That was unfair. I sighed and shook my head, turning the picture around so I could write on the back. I didn't know what exactly I was going to say. I first scribbled the date in the top left corner of the page, then I sat there for five minutes, mind blank. I gave up eventually. I could do that later. I put my pen down then sat there for another couple of minutes. I didn't know what to do with myself now. I looked at my watch, it was nearly 5 pm. Hm, I thought, remembering Dolley. I took my phone then went to sit on my bed. I thought I'd message her first for a time.

J. Mads: Yo.

She didn't seem to be online. She was probably busy turning her room upside down with trying to find an outfit. If that was, indeed, the case, I'd let her be. But it wasn't long before she eventually answered me.

Dolley =P: Oh, hey you.

That was weird. That isn't how she usually spoke.

J. Mads: What's up?

Dolley =P: Not much. Watching tv.