ecstasy. || jeffmads (DISCONTINUED)

|chapter 19|

TW: Panic attack.

A/N: Also, this be dramatic af.

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I stared down at my phone's screen, bewildered.

Mystery Dude: it's simple: I like you.

Did he mean that?

Mystery Dude: it's simple: I like you.

He had to be fucking around.

Mystery Dude: it's simple: I like you.

Did he mean he liked me, or he liked me? If he meant the latter, why? Why on bloody earth would he like me? ME? James Madison? He was either a) fucking around, or b) actually taking something. I just stared at the message, unsure of how to react, reply, respond. But I needed to find out what he meant. I drew in a deep breath and typed.

J. Mads: I'm sorry?

Mystery Dude: james, I like you. like that.

I choked on my own saliva.

J. Mads: What? I don't seem to understand.

Mystery Dude: must I spell it out? I like you, james. I've had a crush on you for the longest time. simple.

So, he meant it.

"simple."

He'd used that word twice. He used it so fucking casually. That didn't make any sense to me. I knew what he meant, but I couldn't understand why. What reasoning could he possibly have for that??

Mystery Dude: it's simple: I like you.

The longer I stared at the message, the more perplexed I felt.

Mystery Dude: it's simple: I like you.

My breathing became unsettled. What? I tried to take a deep breath, but I couldn't get enough air in, and the moment my chest rose, it fell straight away. He likes me? I was wheezing, and I couldn't stop. Why the fuck would he like me?? This has to be some kind of mistake. I began to shake and sweat, and my vision became cloudy. Am I losing my mind? I tried to stand up but I fell back down, heart racing. I'm losing my fucking mind. I forced myself to stand up. I staggered over to my bedroom door. Lord, help me. I felt like a child taking his first steps. Unsteady, unstable, uneasy. I approached my bedroom door and reached out to unlock it, hand shaking. Why did I do that, you ask? Because I knew what would happen next. My legs could no longer hold me up and I stumbled back a couple of steps, chest heaving. Where am I? I wasn't far from my bed, but I still failed to make it. My head was spinning, I looked up, the ceiling grew further away and then-

Crash.

Darkness.

*

I grew conscious to muffled voices, soon realising they were the voices of my beloved siblings.

"Panic attack.", I heard Ambrose say. Francis scoffed.
"He probably just bein' dramatic."
"FRANCIS!!" my three sisters yelled all at once, causing me to wince at the racket. I opened my eyes and realised I was on my parents' bed, in their bedroom, and the whole damn world was in there with me. Well, except for my father. After a few more seconds of mumbling, I saw my youngest sister, Nelly, turn to me and gasp when she noticed my eyes were open. She tapped my mother on the shoulder and pointed to me. My mother nodded at her, kissing her forehead. Then she reeled them all in and spoke quietly to them. I didn't hear what she said, but it was probably an order to leave, because soon after, they all piled out.

She looked to me after they left, sighing and coming to sit by my side. She reached over to touch my shoulder. I flinched away at first, causing her to retreat.
"Honey," she began, "it's alright. You're alright. It's over now. I'm here."
She then nodded at me. I stared at her for a while before eventually nodding back. I began to slowly sit up until I was finally upright. I was already beginning to feel breathless again.
"James," she started, "you're alright. Okay? You're fine. You're alive. Breathe. It's alright."
I nodded once more and took a deep breath, breathing in an out slowly over and over.
"That's it. That's good. You're doing just fine." she reassured me. I carried on breathing, and she carried on reassuring me a little while longer. When I was more or less back to normal, I looked at her.

"How long was I out for?" I wondered. She looked down at her watch, counting the seconds.
"Just over seven minutes." That wasn't too bad, I thought. I'd stayed out for fifteen minutes before. I nodded in response, reaching out and hugging my knees. She was looking at me again. She was about to ask something.
"Do you want to talk about it...? I understand if you don't." A chill ran up my spine. I didn't really. But this could be a first step to being able to speak to my mother. Still, it had so much background. I couldn't. Not right now. I shook my head,
"Nah... not re-" I cut myself off, yawning, "not really. I need to go and finish studying." I mentioned preparing myself to stand up again. She didn't answer at first, just stood up to make way for me.
"Will you be alright for school tomorrow, dear?"
I paused. Would I be? The very cause of my attack was at school. It's not a fucking apocalypse, I thought. Then I nodded,
"Yeah... I'll... I'll be fine." I assured, although it was more of a hope.
"Alright dear. But please, if you feel uneasy, let me know." she informed. I nodded and she smiled, kissing me on the forehead,
"Goodnight. Please get some rest. I love you."
I just looked at her. I would've smiled back.
"I, uh, I love you too, mom." I said before leaving the room.

I went back to my bedroom and closed the door behind me, not locking it. I went to sit on my bed. My phone was lying there on the bed. I just stared it at. I took a deep breath. It's not a fucking apocalypse, James. I told myself again. I picked up my phone to check the time, 9.45 pm. I also had a bunch of notifications at the top of my screen. I unlocked it. I was still in me and Thomas' chat, and I'd left him on read. I wasn't going to reply him right now, so just exited the conversation. I exhaled. It's not a fucking apocalypse. I put the phone down on the nightstand, I was really tired now and I probably wouldn't be able to study any longer. I shook my head and picked my books up, going to put them in my backpack for school the next day.

As I got into bed, I made a vow to myself that I wouldn't allow this to keep me up all night. It wasn't worth it. I took one more deep breath before closing my eyes.

It's not an apocalypse, I repeated to myself.

It's not a fucking apocalypse.

♢♢♢♢

A/N: Or is it?

~ T xx