The mind of a messed up person

I have to wonder

If I ever want to give up there's a few things I have to wonder about
I have to wonder if I want my grandmother to attend my funeral before she gets the chance to plan hers
I have to wonder if I want to make my parents  Bury their daughter before she reaches adulthood
I have to wonder about wether my belongs will be packed up like my thoughts forever, or unmoved like my resting body
I have to wonder if there will be rivers cried, or just a slight mist
I have to wonder if there will be cries that shake the earth to its core in the hope of shaking me awake
I have to wonder what my future would have been, or if death was always my fate
I have to wonder what my children have looked like and what they would've have been named
And if they would have faced the same struggles as me
I have to wonder if there would be a day that would mark my life and death and who would mourn this day
I have to wonder if my family would bond together like a brick wall
Or shatter like a glass window with a pebble assailant
I have to wonder if my presence will ever dance around in another's mind
I have to wonder if someone will ever hear my laughs in the winds passing
With all these thoughts, and wonders I can't let myself rest peaceful in a bed of earth. So I must stay awake now, until I found myself not wondering