The mind of a messed up person

To my mother

Today me and my mother talked about funerals
Hers and my fathers to be exact
She informed me she had it all planned out
From what casket she wanted
Her chosen Paul Barriers
The man she wants to preacher her funeral
To whom she wants in charge of the music
My mother is 49 years old.
I am 15 years old.
I have seen my mother struggle through her life.
I have seen her battle breast cancer straight on.
I have seen her deal with the loss of her father.
I have heard her pray In the late midnight hours, and the minutes after sunrise.
I have seen her in the Holy Spirit at church.
Through out her like my mother has helped so many.
Wither emotional, mentally, physically, spiritually, or financially.
My mother has always helped anyone who needed her.
In my eyes my mother is a saint
She is someone I will always long to be
Someone I hope to only become half as great as.
I hope that if god allows me to bring a life into this world, I can set any example of my mother.
I hope that I have a part of her spirit.
I hope to be able to grow up to be anywhere close to my mother.
But more than that I hope that she gets to be there to see it.
I hope my mother is there when me and the love of my life unite as one under god.
I hope my mother gets to hold my babies.
I hope my mother just makes it to my graduate.
Either high school or college.
I will always have to wonder how long I will be blessed with my mother.
I will always have to live with the fear of have a call that my mother is dead,
And if I'm not living with that fear, than that nightmare has become a reality.
But I would take every day of that, to have a second of my mother
Of her laugh
Of her advice
Of her smile
Of her smell
Of her kindness
Of her sprit
Of her.
When the time comes and my mother passes,
I will be happy
Not of the loss
But of all the times, and years I got to spend of her
Happy that I won't have a shadow of a doubt she is resting in heaven
Though I dread that day
I will not plan the rest of my time with my mother on it
I will cherish every moment from now on.