Findale Recreational Basketball: An Oral History

Part 6: Davy vs. Tara

Game 1: Davy vs Tara

Davy Hatch, Tigers Coach: Winners win, losers suck.

Tara Marcus, Gamblers Coach: You know how every year you forget how unbearable Peeps are and then every Easter they're sitting on your aunt's counter and the food won't be served for an hour, so you eat one and you instantly remember how truly awful it is? That's kind of like Davy. You forget how much of an asshole and a monster he is after not seeing him coach since the previous summer. It all came rushing back when the tip went up.

Flex, Bulls Coach: Davy is a monster, always has been, always will be.

Tara Marcus: Right after the tip went up, he started screaming at his players. Screamed at them to get into the right spot on defense, move without the ball, "stop acting like an understudy in the middle school musical, who thought they were going to get their chance but peed their pants on stage in front of everyone, including your uncle who always thought you were weird but tolerated you because his marriage is hanging on by a string and is dependent on how he treats her side of the family." Yeah, he actually said that.

Stan Sykes, Cuddlebunnies Coach: Yes. Word for word. Most people have small little insults loaded up, but Davy had these really specific ones ready at any second.

Billy Taylor, Bloodthirst Coach: Right before Denzel Wainwright was about to shoot a free throw, at the beginning of the game, Davy yells out "I hope you go blind a second before your first child is born." Like, that is a cruel thing to say to anyone, much less a teenager.

Priya Shah, Scorekeeper: Who says something like that?

Chelsey Oakley, Falcons Coach: The look on the kid's face was so saddening. Even he knew that the moment you see your child for the first time is supposed to be the best moment of your life and the opposing coach, who is an adult, wished to take that away from him.

Jett Cordova, Hurricanes Coach: It worked, he missed both free throws, whether it was the insult or being a 14 years old basketball player, he missed.

Davy Hatch: Anything for a win.

Chelsey Oakley: Not everyone was horrified by Davy's antics.

Miles Eckert, Knights Coach: "I hope you go blind a second before your first child is born!" Classic.

Stan Sykes: Miles sat on the opposite side of the court for the entire game watching every single thing Davy did and said and wrote it all down.

Jett Cordova: Miles had this notebook that he took out of his backpack where he jotted down all of Davy's moves and "Davy-isms." I'm sure we'll get into Miles's coaching strategies post Dreamshatterer later on, but you see where it all started. I wouldn't be surprised if a page in the back of that notebook was just "Mr. Miles Hatch" written over and over again.

Billy Taylor: You ever wonder how people grow up with terrible ideologies and views of the world? This is how it happen: a kid idolizes someone, whether it be a parent or someone in the community, who has terrible views about how the world works and the kid eats it up and starts to believe it himself. That was Miles worshiping Davy Hatch.

Flex: In terms of basketball strategy, Davy had Tara's number. He ran a box and one and shut down Denzel and Jason Bailey whenever they were in the game. Then, there's what happened when she put them in at the same time. Tara couldn't figure it out.

Jenna Marshall, Referee: In the first quarter and a half of the game, Denzel or Jason were just being pestered wherever they went on the floor. For most of it, Aaron Harper defended them and they just could not shake him, I think maybe they got a combined five shots in that time, meanwhile, Aaron just cut up Tara's defense on the other side of the court.

Chelsey Oakley: At the five minute mark of the second quarter, Tara is able to get Denzel and Jason in at the same time, with three other scrubs of children. But like, it doesn't matter because those two together should roll over any sort of defense possible.

Tara Marcus: I was finally able to break from Davy's stupid box and one and get something going on offense. He instantly calls a timeout the second he sees my lineup.

Charlie Zhang, Timekeeper: I listened into Davy's huddle, you ever wonder how people like Benito Mussolini got support from people? Listen to Davy talk to a group of teenagers. He gave them the strategy and then raised his voice in fervor. These kids looked like they were ready to run through a brick wall for him. They walked on to the floor in this tense silence.

Priya Shah: Tara didn't even talk to her team, they all knew what the strategy was: get buckets.

Flex: After the timeout, Denzel inbounded the ball to Jason in the backcourt and waiting for each of them were two defenders, with Freddy Mayweather, this speedy guard standing in the middle of the key in charge of guarding the other three players by himself.

Zeke Fielding, Referee: It was genius.

Flex: Davy dared those three players to take elbow jumpers until they were blue in the face, and they did. Tara's team put up a donut in those five minutes, and Davy went into the half with a 13 point lead.

Miles Eckert: If I were to rank the best basketball coaches ever, it would probably go something like this: Gregg Popovich, Coach K, Davy Hatch then Phil Jackson.

Stan Sykes: The game was over at halftime. Tara knew she didn't have the strategy ready to beat a box and one, much less Davy double teaming her best players if they were both in the game.

Priya Shah: The final score was 34-21 the second half was pretty much the kids just messing around playing for fun, because they all knew that Davy's team could flip the switch and counter anything in Tara's playbook.

Billy Taylor: Up until the end of the game, I forgot about that stupid thing Davy does when he wins.

Tara Marcus: So the game is over, and the kids line up to shake hands and high five after the game. As usual, I get in the back of the line like coaches do to congratulate the other team on a good win, it's a nice, albeit forced, way to teach sportsmanship. I get to the end of the line and go to shake Davy's hand and he pulls back, makes finger guns and says-

Miles Eckert: "Good game, boss." Hahah.

Zeke Fielding: Any grown man that calls someone "boss" should be sent to the secret prison at the end of Captain America: Civil War.

Billy Taylor: I assume you're still in the process of interviewing everyone in the league, right? Can you ask them if they would be surprised if Davy was involved in a dog fighting ring?

Chelsey Oakley: Not at all.

Stan Sykes: He is, isn't he? Is that what people do for fun in Findale?

Tara Marcus: Honestly, whatever he actually does is probably much worse.

Miles Eckert: Why? Did he invite you? Did my invite get lost again?

Final Score: Tigers: 34, Gamblers: 21