⚠️Endgame Spoilers⚠️
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❗️Do not continue to read if you don't want to be spoiled.❗️
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🔝Read at own risk. You've been warned🔝
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He sat in a haze. The alcohol did nothing to his brain except give him a slight buzz. It was during times like these that he cursed the serum. What was the use in being stronger and faster than everyone else if he could still be hurt by emotions. His heart aches every day for those he lost.
If Stark were here he would've been able to create something stronger. Bucky looked down into the glass, ignoring the amber liquid sloshing around. If Stark was here then he'd probably be dead, or if somehow Stark was here and everything was fine then maybe his Natalia would be here too and there would be no need for a stronger intoxicant.
He set down the glass and tottered to his feet, both his mind and body being too exhausted to be graceful. He could feel Sam's worried gaze as he made his way to the large open window. A new avengers facility was being constructed but until it was finished most of the remaining members were lodging with the Bartons. Bucky knew he shouldn't, but every time he saw Barton the hateful question would rise in his mind, why couldn't it have been you? It was a horrible thing to think, only fuelled by the self loathing and guilt in Barton's eyes.
When the news had first been broken to him he'd been numb. Then he'd cried. Then he'd punched Barton. It was a wonder he'd been allowed to stay. Seeing him with his family had made it easier for Bucky to accept. He knew that's what Natalia would've wanted, to see them all smiling and happy. He only wished she was alive to see it.
Then Steve had left him and he'd felt truly alone, the only one left out of time. Bitterness threatened to consume him every time he imagined Steve leaving him, but in the end it was remedied by the idea of him living happily and being in love with Peggy. He couldn't stop his best friend from having that. It was the only thing he'd ever wanted besides, he always chuckled imagining Peggy finding out about the little thing that had happened between her niece and Steve. Another thought came to mind, one which immediately send a shudder of revulsion down his spine.
"Care to share Barnes?" Sam called from the bed. Bucky pushed down the rising nausea.
"Isn't Steve technically Sharon's uncle now?" He completely agreed with the queasiness spreading across Sam's face. Both came to a quick agreement not to delve too deeply into that. Natalia would have personally visited Steve in his retirement home just to taunt him about it though. He smiled fondly at the memories of her.
"You doing alright Buck?" Sam asked hesitantly. It was uncommon to see a smile on his face, he didn't fully understand even now. "Pepper's invited us to the will reading. Are you gonna come?"
For a moment Bucky was confused, why would Pepper be coordinating Natalia's will? And then he remembered Tony. Tony who was given a funeral, Tony who was celebrated as a global, no universal, hero. His mood soured. He muttered a small "maybe," before turning away and preparing for bed.
Unfortunately sleep escaped him. He drifted off a few times only to be awoken by nightmares. The thought of being alone in an empty bed without her warm body next to him propelled him out and onto the landing. He crept quietly down the stairs and made his way to the front porch, feeling the need for fresh air.
