The Jungle Girl

16-The Math Problem

  Sometimes I have shitty ideas. Looking down at my lap when my math teacher was deciding who to call on was one of them.

Now, I get why teachers sometimes call on me to answer questions when I'm not raising my hand because I literally never raise my hand. But, if it looks like I'm deliberately avoiding eye contact and shaking my leg up and down like there's a squirrel in my pants, maybe consider not being a dick and don't call on me. Look, I get it. You're trying to 'burst me out of my bubble' or some shit, but have you ever thought that maybe my bubble has air conditioning and free WIFI? Maybe I don't want to burst out of my bubble. But, I probably should.

However, I'd prefer to pop my own bubble instead of having someone else from the outside come and stab it with a knife. But I guess teachers don't care about preferences. At least this one doesn't.

So, the inevitable time comes when no one is raising their hand to volunteer to go up to the board and complete the problem. No one is raising their hand because no one knows the answer. I guess our math teacher, Mrs.Birde, doesn't realize that. She chooses to think that our lack of participation means we're being defiant, not that her teaching skills are shitty. But, you know how it is, it's always the students fault, never the teachers. So, instead of taking a second to go over the lesson again and have us understand the material better, she decides to humiliate one lucky student. Not wanting to be that student I look down at the ground and prop my head up on my hand.

A few seconds go by and Mrs.Birde still hasn't called on anyone. I can literally hear my heartbeat which probably isn't healthy. I feel her gaze land on the back row where I'm sitting and sink further into my seat. Avoid eye contact, but look casual. Don't look like you know the answer, but at least like you're trying to figure it out. I pick up my pencil and stare at my notebook while furrowing my brows. I don't know the answer and I have no intentions of actually solving the problem, but if it looks like I'm attempting it then maybe she'll spare me the torture of getting a problem wrong in front of the whole class.

I know that sounds like I don't want people to know I'm capable of making mistakes, but that's not it. It's the fact that people are staring and actually paying attention to me. Any hushed whisper I hear I think they're talking about me. About how I'm shaking and how I'm standing on my toes which is a nervous habit of mine. Or about how they've never heard me talk before or how they didn't even know I was in their class. There are so many possible ways to get humiliated. And that's even when I know the answer. Not knowing the answer is amplifying my nerves by a thousand.

I finish praying to every God I can think of, and when I lift my head from my hand, Mrs.Birde is staring straight at me. In that split second we make eye contact I give my head a brief shake and shrug my shoulders ever so slightly. I thought that was the universal sign for I don't fucking know, but I guess it isn't because next thing I know, I hear my name.

I look up and see Mrs.Birde staring at me with a smile on her face. A smile that makes me even more scared. It's nothing like the smiles that Ms.Lopez gives me, it gives me no comfort or reassurance and makes my hands tremble even more. A flash of heat surges through my body.

After Mrs.Birde calls my name, twenty pairs of eyes turn in my direction. Some just flash me a look of pity and turn away, others look at me expectantly. They don't look away when I get up from my desk and take the marker from Mrs.Birde's hand. They follow my every movement and I know there's no way they can't tell I'm shaking. My legs are literally vibrating.

It takes me a few tries to uncap the marker because of how sweaty my palms are. When I finally get it open, the cap goes flying to the ground from my fumbling hands. Great.

I bend over to pick it up, and as I'm getting back up I smash my elbow into the wall next to me. The dead silence in the classroom is worse than if they had just laughed. I would've just laughed along with them, but knowing that they were probably trying not to laugh right now because they feel so bad for me makes me want to cry.

I take a deep breath and look at the problem on the board. Gibberish. I don't even know how to begin the problem. I look over to Mrs.Birde for help but she only waves her hand towards the board as if to tell me to get a move on. I turn back to the cluster of numbers and symbols and hope that something pops out at me. I realize I've been up here for almost two minutes and my heartbeat increases, which I didn't even think was possible. I know I'm on the verge of a panic attack when my hearing starts to get muffled. The high pitched ringing is making it even harder to think.

I know the entire class is watching me stand in front of the board looking like an idiot, but I can't make myself turn around because that would require me seeing all those eyes trained on me.

I'm about to suck it up and tell Mrs.Birde that I can't do it when I see a shadow to my left. I turn to see Ryan next to me, picking up an extra marker from the board. I stare at him, dumbfounded. What is he doing? He meets my gaze and gives me that half smile. His brown eyes look lighter than usual and I notice he's wearing a Stranger Things shirt. I feel the sides of my mouth tug into a small grin. He looks back at the board and starts explaining the problem to me without a moment of hesitation. His voice is surprisingly soft, almost like he's talking to a baby. I mean, he basically is.

He goes step by step and asks me if I get it after each one. I don't say a word the entire time, only nod yes or no. We get to the end and I circle the final answer.

I turn expecting to see Ryan already halfway to his desk, instead I find him looking straight at me. He lifts his hand for a high-five. I wipe my sweaty hand on my shirt as discreetly as I can and slap his palm. We head back to our seats and Mrs.Birde continues the lesson. I should feel embarrassed. I mean, I stood there without moving for what felt like forever and I didn't even have enough courage to tell Mrs.Birde that I didn't know the answer. But, for some reason, I can't help the smile that's settled onto my face.