The Jungle Girl

25-The Decision

The next day I pretend I don't notice Alaia's questioning looks on the bus and talk over her anytime I think she's about to mention our last conversation yesterday. I know she wants to ask me about what I said, or almost said, about Ryan, but to be honest, I don't even know what I was going to say. I don't know what that weird hitch in my breathing or knot in my chest meant when I started saying that Ryan would never like me. Or, maybe I do and I just don't want to admit it... nah.

When it's obvious I won't be saying anything about yesterday, Alaia starts talking about this new foundation she wants to try out. I'm grateful for the subject change and listen to what she has to say. The way her face lights up when she talks about makeup is my favorite thing ever. Her eyes sparkle and she smiles this smile that looks like it can't be helped. Her passion for it is unreal and I can't wait to see what becomes of it.

We part ways and I head to my first period science class. I take my seat by Ryan and prepare myself for 45 minutes of silence between us that's both awkward and not. I've been doing this for like three months now. You'd think I'd be used to it.

I take out my notebook and pencil and take a glance at Ryan because... hot. There's no other excuse. However, I don't expect to see him already looking at me. The second we lock eyes I look away, hoping he doesn't think I've been staring at him and we just happened to accidentally look at each other at the same time. Before I become too embarrassed he looks away and starts digging into his backpack. He pulls something out and puts it in the middle of the table. I look and see it's the flyer for the creative writing club Ms.Lopez has set up. I furrow my brows together.

"I think this is yours," Ryan says.

My face must still look confused because he quickly keeps talking. "You left it on the lunch table yesterday. It seemed like you were in a rush or something," He laughs. "You just shoved everything in your bag and walked out of there like you were on some kind of mission or something."

My face goes warm when I look at him and see the amusement on his face. It was because of you, you dick.

"Yeah," I say while taking the flyer, "Thanks."

Before he can say anything else, the bell rings and Ms.Franny comes in, slamming the door shut and we go back to silence.

English comes around and I silently thank the person that went up to Ms.Lopez at the end of class so I didn't have to deal with the question I've been dreading.

I walk into the lunchroom and see Ryan sitting in the same spot at our table as yesterday. I slow my steps down. Lunch is the only time during the day when I can be completely myself. No thinking about what I'm going to say thirty seconds before actually saying it and then realizing that the topic has been changed, no wondering if people are going to judge me. Shay and Alaia are my safe space. I'm around them and I'm ok and I'm me. Having Ryan there will take that comfort away. It's not that I don't want him there. It's just that... when I get used to people, they become my people. They become my world. I'd be fine going through an entire day only speaking to Shay and Alaia during lunch. Because they're all I need. And having people step into my little safe bubble is not something I'm used to, especially guys. So this... I'm just not sure about. I guess I'll just have to deal with the sweaty palms and nervous fidgeting that comes with being around Ryan.

I take my usual seat and catch the tail end of a conversation Alaia and Shay were having. Something about a new episode of this show we all watch religiously. Now, this is where I'd normally step in and start fangirling with them, talking about how much of an idiot the main character is for breaking up with his girlfriend, but Ryan is here. And, for some reason, my brain physically blocks the words that would usually come out. This isn't just because it's Ryan, it would be the same with anybody. But, it being Ryan doesn't help much either.