The Summer of Opportunities

Chapter 2

Journal entry 09/07/12

     Some people talk about their love at first sight and that feeling we're sparks fly and you get those butterflies in your stomach. I didn't get that. They say that if you love someone, you know right away.
     I think that's bullshit.
     I didn't love him at first sight. I didn't know him, and I didn't believe that you could love someone you didn't know. I didn't get those butterflies when he first spoke to me, or even looked at me. Sparks didn't fly when I first laid my eyes on him either.
     He was just a boy. A little obnoxious little boy that ran around the neighborhood and did  stupid little things to annoy little girls like me. I was just a girl. A little girl who would run back to her mom when those little boys wouldn't include me. A little girl who was told to leave, that she was annoying and to little. I was to fragile even though we were the same age. I was always that little girl to him.
     I though that we might be friend. I didn't know he would taunt me and I would fall so hopelessly in love with him.
     You see, loving him, it just crept up at me. I didn't wake up one day dreaming about him and those eyes. Hopping aimlessly that he would notice me. There wasn't a big, romantic moment like there is in movies. There wasn't one because love like that, it isn't real, love isn't like the movies. Love is fragile. Love is a deep, tender, strong feeling of affection toward a person. Love is an intense, emotional attachment.
     And I thought he loved me. They say if you love something let it go. But people don't abandon people they love. If you truly loved something, how in the world do you just let it go. People abandon people they were using. And trust me, I know.
     At some point, I knew that I wanted it be with him. I knew I wanted the endless sleeping night were we would talk for hour on end. I knew I wanted him to hold my hand, to hug me from behind. I knew I wanted him to kiss me goodnight. I just knew.
     But love doesn't happen at first sight, believe me. Love, like most good things, occurs  when you least expect it.
     Losing you hurt like hell. And yea sure I was only 13, but still. It wasn't me sitting down, surrounded by my friend as we ate ice cream and watched movies to get over him, because I never told anyone about us. It was saying up past 4 in the morning trying to figure out why. Why did he do that to me. I couldn't even close my eyes without seeing his face. It was fighting those tears with that hole in my chest that caused my breaths to be shaky. It was me crying at random hours during the days and not wanting to get out of my bed. At one point I just blamed my constant blood shot eyes on my moms passing. It was also me deleting our old conversations and instantly regretted it. It fucking hurt. Losing him fucking hurt.
     I would just stare at my phone remembering those times were you would text me and I would squeal. I didn't get any calls or text from him anymore and it hurt. I missed those times when you would send me those corny, cute, sweet messages. I missed those good morning and night texts. I missed those daily conversations we had. I miss it. It when from everything to nothing. I wonder if you would ever text me again, but I knew the answer.
     And why him I would ask myself. Why him. It was a good question. Why not the guy with the good grades and perfect manners. Why did I choose the guy with the warm and dangerous smile, the mysterious smirks and flirtatious winks. Why him. He infuriated me at times. But in the end, no one could make me laugh like him, and he knew that. He was a genuine mystery.
And I saw him that day, his arms around another girl. And when his eye meet mine, nothing. Their was not a single hint of emotion. After that I knew we were done. I would wonder if he told her what he told me. If he sent those endless messages to her. I wonder what if what I thought was ours, was theirs as well.
     And I knew, we were over. All I needed to do was get over him. And it's funny how fast he walked into my life, and how fast he walked out of it.
     Thanks
     -Hannah 💕