Mark & Me

The Madness Continues

After some time away from Mark, I thought that I was feeling better. I even got back on tinder and started talking to a guy. I thought that I was finally over Mark for good. I was wrong.

I was at my shift as per usual on a Monday night. Someone came by to sign out. As I was signing them out, I noticed that someone signed in under Mark. The name was Alex. Well Alex could be a boy right?! I looked for the ID and found it. The photo on the ID was of a blonde-haired girl. A..girl?! Oh! Was this the girl that he left the club with?! Is this the hoe?! I felt my chest tighten. I felt like an elephant was sitting on it. I was losing my breath. I called my mom to tell her all about the situation. 

While I was on the phone with her, Alex came to retrieve her ID. I normally am not the one to be harsh on others' physical appearances, but honey!! Let me tell you! She was not cute! NOT AT ALL! As soon as she left the building, I started laughing. How cruel of me! She could be a nice person. But she may be seeing the guy I still have feelings for. Yes, have. I felt so good about myself in that moment. I have had low self-esteem almost my whole life but over the past two years, I have finally reached a point in my life where I have finally accepted myself for who I am. I truly believe that I am beautiful. Inside and out! I, in no way, think that I am the most beautiful person in the world but I'm definitely not ugly. Alex wasn't ugly, but looks wise, she can't compete with yours truly! 

If they are a thing, he downgraded by A LOT! If he's going to get with a new chick, she should at least be prettier than me! But she wasn't. He can't do better than me. I was already way out of his league and now he may be dating someone in his own. I was still upset but at least I wasn't on the verge of an anxiety attack anymore.

There's no way of knowing if he's seeing her. Unless I ask him, which I will not do! That would break me! My heart couldn't take it. Even though I'm also talking to someone else, it still hurts. Yes, I still care about him. I really hate myself for that! He's really not worth it. But my heart is still latching onto him. 

The following day, I had class with him. I did speak to him two times during class. Nothing major. Just a few comments to each other. After class we talked about how insane the class was. The professor kicked two students out and he yelled at the rest of the class. He spoke to me, Mark, and others afterwards. Once we all left the room, me, Mark, and another girl in our class were talking about the craziness. Then she left and then it was just me and Mark. We mostly talked about the class but we did talk about how our week was going so far. 

Whenever we talk, it's so natural. Our conversations never feel forced. No matter how long we hadn't talked, we would always get right back to where we started. It's such a shame that I can't be his friend. I really wish I could be, but I can't erase my romantic feelings for him. Every time I'm around him I want to punch him and kiss him at the same time. I'll be so angry at him and ready to throw hands but then, I get hit with a wave of the romantic feelings I have for him. Every time I say that I'm over him, I start thinking back to the good times we had. I keep thinking that there's still a chance of us being able to be a real couple. 

I need to keep reminding myself that that's not going to happen. Why isn't summer here yet?! I need to get away from this place. I need to be with my mom. I need to be at home. I have to try my hardest to get through these two weeks. Two weeks! Will I be able to survive?! I sure hope so! We'll see.