Mark & Me

The Dream and the Movie

Last night, I had a dream about Mark. I don't remember much of it. I can only remember one part in particular.

I was outside Mark's dorm building with my mom. We were sitting on the benches for some reason. We don't like the outdoors, so sitting outside just for the hell of it was incredibly weird. Then all of a sudden, Mark walked up to me and her. He started yelling at me! He was saying things like "You've been acting weird lately!", "Stop stalking me!", "Leave me alone!", "I'm with someone else and I'm very happy with her!". I was hurt and confused by all these words. I yelled back, "Why are you mad at me?! I haven't done anything wrong!"

I woke up with this "what the fuck" feeling. What a weird dream! Why did my subconscious make up such a dream?! But you know what, I think my subconscious was telling me what I needed to hear. I need to hear that he has moved on. I've been latching on to this unrealistic idea that we'll get back together. My subconscious is the rational part of me that is telling the irrational part, "GET THE FUCK OVER HIM ALREADY!" Throughout the rest of the day, I stopped having those feelings for Mark because I remembered him as the jerk that was in my dream and not the guy I had an amazing three weeks with.

But of course, my emotions went right back to those romantic feelings. Since it's Saturday a.k.a. cheat day, I decided to fulfill my McDonald's craving. Once I got my order, I went back to my room and put on a movie. I decided to watch The Perfect Date. I actually liked it. But there was one scene that really got me. It was the scene when Brookes was walking with the old lady and she started talking about her husband who passed away. But what she said really resonated with me. She said:

"I didn't care what he looked like. He made me laugh, and I liked being around him. You want to know how you can tell if you're meant to be with someone?... It's simple. Just sit and have a conversation. Some people when you talk to them, it's like trying to listen to classical music on a radio with no antenna. You can push that dial back and forth all you want, but you only get static. But when you're meant to be with someone, and they truly are the one, you just sit, start talking, and a Beethoven sonata will begin to play."

That is exactly how I feel about Mark. I don't think he's the one. It's too early to tell. But, talking with him was so effortless. I never had to try to come up with something to talk about. We could even sit in silence and still have a great time. I've never been able to do that with any guy. I've been talking to two guys on tinder and they both stopped responding to me. Neither of them had much to say. I think they only wanted to fuck honestly speaking. Mark has been the only guy in the past four years that I really connected with. Mark made me laugh and I liked being around him. I enjoyed our conversations. Even the few we had after the "breakup". My brain is so fucked right now. Why can't I get over this guy?! Will I ever get over him?! Will I be able to find someone who will make me feel the same way that he did?!  

But then I remember why we "broke up". He wanted to have sex after three weeks. I'm not just going to give up my virginity to someone I barely know. Every time I reflect on that moment, I still can't see myself going through with it. I can't see myself having sex with him at such an early stage in our relationship, I just can't! I can't see myself doing that with anyone. The fact that he wasn't willing to wait says a lot about the kind of guy he is. But why does my heart still have this unrealistic hope that he will change. He's not going to change and neither am I. So why do I keep feeling these feelings?! I wish they would go away!