Mark & Me

Hello, Summer

May: 

I'm finally free from everything! School, work, and most importantly, Mark! Unfortunately, I think about him from time to time, but at least I don't have to see him! Seeing him everyday made me feel like shit! Not seeing him is better for my sanity. You know that saying "out of sight, out of mind"? I believe that! Now that he is no longer in my sight, he is slowly leaving my mind. This distance will do me some good. I hope that by the time I have to go back to campus, I will not feel anything whenever I see him. 

June:

So far, so good! I haven't given Mark much thought lately. I'm slowly forgetting what he looks like, how he spoke, and how he carried himself. He is slowly becoming a stranger to me. Or so I thought. 

Recently, I found out that I made the Dean's List. But you know who else made it? Mark! Not surprising though. He's smart. But he's stupid outside of school. I mean you have to be to let me go, right?! Last night, I had a dream about him. I was in a class and he was in it too. He even sat next to me. He ignored me the whole time but I was suffering. I wanted to get away from him but I couldn't because the class was full and all the seats were final. Luckily Pia and Amanda were in it too, so it wasn't that bad. 

I still think about him from time to time. I'll be relaxing and then all of a sudden, I'll have a flashback to the night we made out. I try my hardest to move on from these memories but they keep coming back. Every time I think of the scenario of him asking to get back together, I always turn him down. Even my subconscious knows that he's not good for me. I should listen to it.

I had yet another dream about Mark. I was at a mall food court with Amanda and her mom. Mark was behind me talking with a group of people. Amanda's mom yelled out, "You're a disgusting man!" I was so embarassed and covered my face with my hands but I also laughed at the same time. Amanda was laughing too. Of course Mark heard her. The entire food court heard her. He came over to me and started yelling at me. He called me a "disgusting human being". This is the second time I had a dream where Mark yelled at me. Why do I keep having these dreams?! What do they mean?!

July:

Yes, I still think about him, but not as often as I used to. I'm just worried about how I will react when I see him in the fall. I have already set up an appointment with the therapist I see near campus. Hopefully, she will be able to help me.

August:

It's almost time for me to go back to campus. I've been thinking about him a lot less. It's because I'm so focused on exciting things that are planned for the fall and spring. I'm going to start mentoring, I'm meeting my favorite boyband, and I'm going to save up money for my spring break trip I'm planning with Amanda! 

When I do think about him, I can never remember what he looks like. I get this feeling of anger. But not so much where I'd go out of my way to hurt him or try to get his attention. When I do see him, I think I will be able to handle it. I'm stronger than I think. 

Getting back with him would be a huge mistake! I'll just end up getting hurt again. There's no way he could've had a major transformation. If I were to get back with him, he would still want to only have sex with me. He wouldn't get back with me because he cares about me. I do think that he liked me but as soon as the whole sex thing came up, he logged out! I really don't think he's changed since the last time I saw him. 

Spoke too soon! I had a dream about him. He wasn't mean to me in this one. He was actually sweet and we were a couple! Now I'm more confused than ever before! Do I still like him?! Subconscious! Why must you do this to me! I was finally free but then you go and do this! Ugh! Can't catch a break!