Blind date (n.s)

9

"Not here then yet? Your date?" Harry asked me, looking around the bar.

"No", I said, with a shrug. "He's running a bit late, I expect. But I reckon he'll get here. He didn't sound like the arsehole type."

"No?" Harry said, smiling. "I'm glad."

He was the first person I'd met in my whole life who had properly green eyes. Not hazel or grey but proper green, like the glass in a beer bottle. He had lovely eyes.

"Do you want another?" Harry asked me.

I looked down. Somehow I had finished my wine. That was probably why me tongue felt numb. I glanced at the clock again. John Smith was now half an hour late. That was a broken down car, ran out of petrol or fallen down a lift shaft kind of late.

"I suppose", I said, glancing over my shoulder and feeling the weight of the change in my pocket. "I'll have one more if he's not here by then..."

"Have one more on me", Harry said, and he put a bottle of melon-flavoured Bacardi Breezer down in front of me. My favourite drink.

„Thanks", I said and smiled at him as he put a straw in the top of the bottle.

"What i don't get" Harry said, popping his chin on one elbow as he looked at me. "Is why you bother with all this Internet stuff? I mean, you're a good looking guy, Niall. You must get asked out all the time! I see guys looking at you on a Friday night."

I felt the skin across my nose and cheeks begin to heat up again.

"I don't" I said. "Lou says I don't give off the right signals. I think it's because they are all looking at Shawn, Juls, Lou or El, not me. And anyway, even if I did get asked out..." I paused. I had no idea how much Harry knew about me or how much I wanted him to know. "It's important to me that I don't just end up having a one-night stand."

"Because of your daughter, you mean?" Harry asked me.

"Yes", I said. He knew a bit more than I expected. "Because of Alice, but also because of me, too. I... want something that will be good"

"I know what you mean" Harry said. "So you're saying that you like to get to know a man properly before you get serious. You don't like a guy to just ask you out and see how it goes. You like to make sure he's a decent sort before you get really involved."

"Yes", I said, sounding a bit surprised. He did know exactly what I meant.

"Me too", he said. It was almost a whisper and I think, he didn't actually want me to hear it but I still did.

"So- how does the internet help you do that, then?" He asked me. "Because, you know, I might give it a go, if it's working for you."

"Well, the person you're meeting..." I looked to the clock once more. "Supposed to be meeting, has to tell you a bit about themselves and you do the same. So you sort of know what you're getting." I smiled and shrugged. "But apparently so far it hasn't quite worked out like that for me."

"I heard." Harry looked at me with those green eyes. "Don't you think that sometimes you should just let your feelings tell you what to do?" He said.

Something in his voice made my chest tighten and I reached into my pocket for my inhaler before it was not the early signs of an asthma attack that was making my heart race.

"Um", I said, looking down at the bar top again. "Not really."

I looked around at the still near-empty bar again. "Well, it looks like this John Smith's not coming." I said, making myself look up again. "And I had high hopes for him too."

"You did?"

"Yes", I said. "He seemed, you know- nice. Real, like he wasn't pretending to be someone else. That's why I don't let my feelings tell me what to do. I'm always wrong!"

"No one is always wrong" Harry said.

As I pulled my jacket on I looked around the bar, still hopeful that John Smith might turn up. But he had not arrived by the time I had done the last button.

"Well, bye then", I said to Harry.

"Niall", he said and he reached out his hand across the bar and caught hold of my fingers. "Look, I'm really sorry... I... "

"Why? It's not your fault John Smith is an arsehole after all!"

He let go and my hand dropped like a stone to my side.

"I'm sorry that he didn't turn up, I mean." Harry said, sounding like he really was sorry, before adding quietly, "and he's a fool, whoever he is."

"Thanks, Harry", I said, suddenly wishing I wasn't about to leave.

"I'm glad he didn't turn up, though", Harry said. "I'm glad we got a chance to talk, just us two, to get to know each other a bit better."

Before I could reply Jane called him from the other end of the bar, waving her empty pint glass.

When I stepped out of the warm smoky air of the pub into brisk cold of the night I went back over the evening. I realised I wasn't feeling annoyed or upset that John Smith hadn't turned up. In fact, I was glad that he hadn't turned up.

By the time I stepped out of the lift and let myself into the flat I knew for a fact that I fancied Harry. And there was this little nagging thought that kept popping up, too. One that said that, after the way he'd acted and the things he'd said, he might fancy me too. But I didn't let myself think that one too often. After all, I didn't want to jinx myself.

*

"You look great, Dad", Alice said to me as I stood on the doorstep.

I tried to move but I could not make my feet walk towards the lift door. I hadn't been this bad on the other three dates. But I hadn't really cared about the other dates.

"You do look lovely", Janet said, managing to smile despite the frown slotted between her brows. "I just hope this one is worth it."

"I reckon he will be", Alice said. "I've got a funny feeling about it."

Still my feet had not moved.

"Go on then!", Alice said impatiently, giving me a little shove.

I tottered onto the smooth surface of the corridor.

Janet smiled and took my hand into hers.

"It'll be fine.", she said, smiling at me. "We'll walk you to the lift."

Alice hooked her arm through mine and Janet kept holding my hand as we walked the few steps to the lift.

"Don't be nervous, dad", Alice said patting my arm.

"I'm not nervous", I denied.

I took a deep breath and stepped into the lift.
'Calm the fuck down, you wimp!'

"I love you", I said, suddenly needing to tell them. "Both of you"

"Yeah, yeah", Alice said, rolling her eyes.

"Go on, Little one", Janet joked.

"Shut up" I said, pressing the down arrow. "Bye, See you later. Jan, if Alice isn't in bed within one hour, I will make you wish you've never been born."

I took my fingers off the button and felt the lift begin to move down.

Without Alice and Janet I don't think I would have got into the lift.

Especially Alice is always the one making me take a step further, keeping me going and making me live.

Sometimes I try to imagine how things would have been if I hadn't had her so young. If I had just kept my head down at school and taken my exams like I was supposed to.
But I didn't

I fell in love with Luke Goddard instead. This stupid bastard. If it hadn't been him, I would've never ended up in the streets...

Thank you