Blind date (n.s)

12

Luke smiled at me, a shadow of his old smile.

"I am", he said. "I really am. And I wanted you to know that that afternoon with you-  it meant  a lot to me. I really did like you. I really did want to go out with you. I had done for ages. A lot of boys and girls found you cool, but none of them would go near you because... well, it wasn't cool. I didn't care about that, though. I didn't care about what the others would say.

I heard myself laugh sharply.

"Funny that", I said. "Because that's not exactly how I remember it."

My voice was stronger now. It sounded more like how I felt on the inside.

Luke bowed his head and I could see his pink scalp shining through his thinning hair.

"I'm saying that that's what I wanted to do but... I wasn't strong enough", he said, looking up at me at last.

"So you didn't want to go out with me", I said. "I expected that. I could have got over it. But why did you have to turn my live into a living hell? Why did you say all this stuff about me, Luke? Why didn't you stop when I told you to? Why did you send this picture to nearly everyone in the school? What did I ever do to you?"

Luke could not look me in the eye.

"Nothing", he said. "But I had to do it, Niall. If I didn't they would have laid into me. See, being gay is not the best thing to be when every girl in school is fancying you. My friends, if they had found out that I'm gay... they wouldn't have accepted me. You know how kids are. And I... I was so jealous of you. You came out and no one really dared to talk bad about it. For you it seemed so easy to be out as gay and you were so... I don't know, but I just admired you. A-and I wanted to stop as I saw you crying but I-I don't know, somehow I didn't stop..."

I said nothing. I couldn't find a way to respond to that. To Luke sweeping away the years of pain and hurt he'd put me through as if it was something... ordinary. Something to be expected. My silence seemed to encourage him.

"Niall, the thing is", he said. "I've got kids now. Two girls, Katy and Martha. If the same thing happened to them..." Luke shook his head. "I don't know what I'd do. I've come here tonight to ask you... Will you forgive me Niall?"

It felt as if time had frozen for a second. All I could hear was the blood pounding in my ears as I thought about what Luke had just asked me. At that moment all I wanted was for it to be over. For him to be gone and for me to be free to go home and be with my family again. To turn the TV up and shut out the world.

"Whatever", I said flatly, pressing my anger out of my voice, lifting and dropping my shoulders in a shrug. I'd say anything for this to be over. It wasn't me moving on. It was just taking up a past I tried every day to forget.

But Luke didn't seem to understand that- he looked as if he thought I really had forgiven him, breathing out a long sigh of relief.

"Thank you", he said, reaching out for my hand. "You don't know how much better that makes me feel. Now I can put all that business behind me and move on. "

I snatched my hand out from underneath his as the noise of the pub flooded back in all around me. I thought I was going to let this go for the sake of a quiet life -but I couldn't believe what he had just said.

"You can move on, can you?" I shouted at him as I stood up. People stopped talking and stared at me. "What about me, Luke? What about me? When do I get to move on? When do I stop waking up in the middle of the night crying because I've been dreaming about what you did to me? When do i stop worrying every second that the same thing is going to happen to my little girl? When do I finally get to put you and all those other sad stupid fucks out of my life for good and move on?" I picked up the pint he'd been drinking. "I don't forgive you", I told him coldly. "I hate you."

I threw Luke's pint in his face.

I did that. I couldn't believe it was me but it was. All this pain, shame and shadows from the past were making me do it.

Luke was shocked for a split second and then he lunged at me and grabbed me.

"You stupid son of a whore!" He shouted at me.

He raised his hand and slapped me hard in the face. I felt the skin of my cheek tingle. The next punch hit my nose. I could  feel the blood rushing over my lips. When the first red drop landed on my shirt I lost it. I pushed him hard, harder than I knew I could and he fell backwards over his chair and onto the floor.

"Don't you ever touch me again", I told him.

Suddenly Harry was there, standing between me and Luke.

"Get out of my way!", Luke roared. "This Is none of your fucking business."

Harry did not move.

"Get out", he said. He sounded calm but you could hear the dangerous undertone in his voice that told you you shouldn't mess with him now.

"But..." Luke looked at Harry's face and got up from the floor. For a slight moment he thought about fighting Harry, but then he just picked up his jacket and his phone and turned to say something else to me.

"Burn in hell, you devil of the sins"

Then he turned around and was gone.

"Are you ok?" Harry asked me softly.

"Fine", I Said and ran to the bathroom.

I didn't want him to see me having an anxiety attack. Luke was gone but now that my adrenaline started to lower I felt my nose aching and the tears in my eyes flowing like waterfalls down my face.