last of his kind [yoonseok] {diary au}

chapter 6

it's been a month since yoongi passed away, and hoseok is guilty to say that he's found comfort even without yoongi. despite losing the love of his life, he still managed to move on. a large part of him doesn't want to move on because of the memories he had with yoongi, but going back wasn't an option anymore.

this is supposed to a new era of his life. a time where he could accept yoongi's death and move on with his life. who knows, maybe he'll even love another one day. his feelings for taehyung were growing by the day for sure. as much as he wanted to stay loyal to yoongi, he wasn't sure if he could anymore. he fell too hard to just think about yoongi.

still, taehyung was starting to go through a confused phase in his life. the last thing hoseok wanted to do was pressure him into something that he doesn't know if he wants to do. recently, taehyung was starting to feel attracted to boys as well, not just girls. he didn't know what to do because he's been straight for the majority of his life.

of course, the first person he went to was hoseok since he knew that hoseok was gay. since they didn't have any opportunities to actually meet up, they had to schedule a time together.

hoseok was really busy with practicing spring day lately, so he didn't really have anything on his schedule other than dancing, eating and sleeping. hell, he barely even had time to go on his phone. his schedule was packed unlike taehyung's.

somehow, they still managed to find a good time to meet out and attempt to sort out taehyung's struggles. they planned to meet at the park for the sake of simplicity. they didn't want to go anywhere over the top when they didn't have to. it was just a small, local park where younger kids would play in.

hoseok walked to the park on a sunny spring day, prepared to meet taehyung. he was surprised to see taehyung waiting for him while playing on the swings. taehyung's face brightened the moment his eyes laid on hoseok, making the both of them smile.

"you know, your smile really does look like it belongs to the sun. is it alright if i call you sunshine?" taehyung asked once hoseok walked closer to him. hoseok physically tensed at the nickname. "i don't mind, just don't use it often. it reminds me of my deceased boyfriend because that's what he frequently called me while he was alive." hoseok replied, making taehyung nod in understanding.

"okay, got it. i know the scars your boyfriend left are still fairly fresh, so i won't push it. i really do like the nickname though, so excuse me if i accidently call you sunshine." taehyung warned beforehand, making hoseok chuckle. "yeah, sunshine was the favourite nickname that yoongi gave me.

"yoongi? as in min yoongi?" taehyung asked in disbelief. "yeah, min yoongi, my now deceased boyfriend. to be honest, i don't think i'll ever find someone who will ever understand me as much as he did. everytime i think of him, my mind fills with regret. why didn't i realize that he was suffering? why didn't i care for him more? why didn't i treasure him more? why did i neglect him so much? these thoughts fill my mind whenever i think of him."

hoseok looked at taehyung to see a tear running down his cheek. "m-min yoongi was my favourite cousin. he was the only family member that didn't judge me no matter what i did. although he was distant, he was also so close to me." taehyung said, trying to blink back tears. "i call that 'the min yoongi effect.' no matter who it is, he can open up that someone's heart without even trying. that's what he did to me. i regret not being able to do that for him too."

"haha, it's really a small world, isn't it? we met up to try and sort out my internal problems only to find out that we were closer than we originally thought. afterall, we're both connected by yoongi. i really can't believe that he's gone. he was always tired and quiet, but i never thought that came from depression. i thought it came from his natural personality." taehyung said, looking up at the sky.

"quiet? yoongi? you're clearly mistaken. you don't even know how loud yoongi can be when he's excited. do you even know how loud he screamed when i took him to a fair that the sponsers of kumamon were holding? i literally thought i was going to go deaf that day because of all his screaming. deaf or not, it was worth it because of his gummy smile." hoseok yelled loudly, chuckling.

"i just... can't believe that he's gone so soon. he was at the peak of his life too. he just seemed so happy around me that it was almost impossible to believe that he was depressed. he loved making music and i loved dancing. it was a perfect match to me. he would make the music and i'd dance to it. now all i have left of him is the polaroids and little clips of music he made." hoseok said, suddenly becoming very quiet.

"you know, when i was little i once asked my mom why the best people die first. she replied with 'when you pick flowers in a garden, which ones do you pick first? the beautiful ones, of course.'" taehyung quoted, turning his head to see a very disturbed hoseok.

"that's such a cliché saying though! there's absolutely no way that your mom actually said that to you! c'mon, just admit that you took the quote from the internet!" hoseok yelled at taehyung, nudging his side with his elbow. "i asked her later on and she said that she stole that quote from the internet." taehyung explained in between chuckles.

they talked for a while longer at the park while they swung on the swings. well, taehyung did the actual swinging because hoseok was actually too scared to swing on the swings. he wasn't particularly fond of the way taehyung kept on calling him a scaredy-cat, but he let taehyung have his way.

they left after they started growing hungry and went their seperate ways. hoseok knew that he was warming up to taehyung at a rapid pace, and it felt better that they both had some kind of history with yoongi. hoseok didn't want to fall for taehyung, but it didn't seem like that was possible anymore. he really did like taehyung even though his mind constantly argued with his heart. he was conflicted between staying loyal to yoongi and moving on with taehyung.

hoseok walked home with his head held down. it was a habit he had when he was thinking about something. he would occasionally bump into poles when this happened, but luckily he didn't this time. the moment he got home, he inhaled his food as usual and went back to his room. he felt guilty for not spending time with jimin and namjoon, but he already had plans for that. right now, his main priority was writing in his diary.

dear yoongi, my moon,

i found out that taehyung was your cousin today. he said that you were his favourite cousin. he was devatstated when he found out about your death. if you wanted to keep it a secret, i'm going to have to apologize to you beforehand. he's the only one that knows outside of our little friendship group. remember when you used to tell me how you used to produce music with a man named jin? he was actually the person who composed spring day. who knows, maybe he even wrote the lyrics while he thought of you. he's actually the older brother of one of my fellow dancers, jungkook. he's a dance prodigy although i wouldn't be surprised if he also had some kind of singing talent. kids these days are so talented. by now, my feelings for taehyung is pretty much confirmed to be more than just a friendship. it's so hard to surpress your feelings while also trying to respect the fact that the other is straight, not gay. if it weren't for you, i would've never known that i was ever gay. i wonder if i was like that to you too. i hope i was. i hope i at least made an impact on your life just like you made an impact on mine. maybe even too big of an impact to be honest. now, i can't bear to let you go. i can't bear to move on. i can't bear to live in a world where i know that you won't be there alongside me. although i might be slowly falling for taehyung, just know that my heart will always reside with you. no matter how many people i get with in the next few years, your name will always be permanently etched onto my heart. i'm yours and you're mine. that's just how it's going to be until we decide that it's over.

your conflicted boyfriend, jung hoseok