band one-shots

fix me || joshler

sequel to the other oneshot where tyler kills himself :)

tw for self-harm & suicide mentions.

ship: josh dun x tyler joseph

~

Who the fuck named funerals?

The word 'fun' is clearly right in the beginning of it, and that's the most blatant lie Josh Dun has ever seen. Sitting here, in a church, with his best friend's body in a fucking casket, how much fun he's having is the last thing on his mind.

People cluster nearby, whispering among themselves, about how "It's such a tragedy," and "the poor family."

What about me?

Fuck Tyler's family, they didn't find him bleeding out. They didn't feel the oxygen escaping his dying lungs. They didn't shower for hours because Tyler's sticky blood was still clinging to their skin no matter how much they scrubbed it off.

They didn't fail him.

Josh's shoulders tremble the slightest bit and his face slams into his palms, trying to hold himself steady, to press the tear drops back into his eyes. He can't allow himself to cry here. He doesn't have the right to.

Not when it's his fucking fault Tyler is laying on a bed of cotton, lungs empty and heart still.

His forehead is slick with sweat and he pushes his hair back. It still sticks to his skin, and God, that's a lot of sweat. He usually doesn't sweat this much unless he's having an anxiety attack or it's 110 fucking degrees outside. And last Josh checked, it was a nice 67 according to the weatherman this morning (with a slight chance of thunderstorms), so it's likely the former.

Okay okay okay he knows how to breathe he can breathe the air why isn't it going in his lungs why does it hurt so much the air the fucking air oxygen he needs it and it clumps together in his throat and it feels like he's dying

Is this how Tyler felt?

No, because that was different, Tyler didn't suffocate, he bled out. With the thought comes memories of that moment, and suddenly Josh is trembling again.

So much red why it looks like paint the tiles are soaked red and black and white and it looks so bad and Tyler's wrists oh God his wrists there are ribbons of blood flowing down he's bleeding and Josh doesn't know how to stop it there's too much red it's slippery hold him hold the blood don't let it escape don't let him be emptied

Josh stands, shaking with each minuscule movement. He can't be here anymore. His brain tells himself to walk out the door, but his feet don't obey, they're taking him to Tyler. The casket.

And soon enough, he's leaning over Tyler. Tyler, his boy, who he held until he died, who's laying right here, his shredded forearms hidden by a nice suit. Part of him wants to pull up the sleeves, see how bad it really is, how deep Tyler went, see the lines that took away his best friend.

But the body is cold and he can't touch it, hurts too much. Instead he gently traces a finger along the material of the suit. It's a deep black, contrasting with Tyler's pale, dead face. It's all wrong.

"Tyler..." His voice cracks, tearing apart his last shred of mental stability. "I'm sorry."

Josh holds his gaze steady on Tyler's covered wrists. "I did it too."

He rolls up the sleeve of his own suit, which is a light grey. It reveals tiny slits on his arm, horizontal and vertical and diagonal and everywhere. It's a mess. Some are barely a pinkish color, very faint, and others are angry red, as deep as he could go with a blade.

"I want to go with you." Steadily holding his arm out against Tyler's, he whispers. "How did you do it? Tell me."

It's fucking ridiculous, because even if Tyler was alive right now, he wouldn't tell Josh. You don't tell your best friend exactly how to kill themselves. Because that's like putting the gun against their head, and it doesn't matter if they're the one that pulled the trigger. It's still on you.

"I miss you, dude, let me go with you." Josh stares at his own scars, all failures that didn't bleed enough. "You can't leave me. Do you remember? Do you remember all the ways you fixed me?"

Tyler used to be his only savior from the anxiety, the constant worrying, he held Josh together. But now Josh is falling apart, and no one is holding the pieces together.

Josh rolls up his sleeve and stutters, dizzy with anxious thoughts. "H-how will you fix me now?"

~

can y'all tell that i'm sad :)

also that's a mariana's trench reference in the end 😎 go listen to them, they make high quality sad bops