Fever Dream || Frank Iero

.31.

I found myself in that place again- darkness engulfing me, and It felt like only yesterday I was trapped in this strange dream. It felt like some piece of the world that sat in between heaven and hell, constant cracks in the earth but not enough to break it.

My hands were cold, but my chest burned as I sat and watched those familiar bolts of electricity tumble in the sky- only this time, I wasn't afraid. I was in the same place, but it somehow felt different. The powerful gusts didn't pull at my body, nor did any screams try and escape my throat. Maybe the mundane sights of the same old fever dream made me brave- or perhaps just stupid, I wasn't quite sure.

All I knew is that it simply felt like I was waiting- but what for, I didn't know. The lightning continued to crusade above me, and for a moment I thought I had saw a small break in the darkness. A soft light attempted to peek through the pitch black that blanketed the sky, and I squinted to try and get a better look only for it to be swallowed as quickly as it came.

I looked around in hopes of finding it elsewhere, only to find a hand instead. Blood rushed to my head as I reached for it once again- this time without hesitation. It wrapped around mine gently, the calloused fingertips feeling so familiar. I stood, understanding now that this is what I had been patiently waiting for.

I took one last look at the chaos behind me, suddenly feeling like it might be the last time I'd ever see that place.

"It's time to go," his voice echoed softly.

I turned back, my hand still held tightly, those same hazel eyes looking back at me. For the first time, I was trapped in a dream that I didn't want to wake up from just yet.

.

My eyes fluttered open and I awoke in my bunk as I always did, the sweat on my skin sticking to the sheets. I sighed as the peaceful thoughts of my dream morphed into the reality of the night before, wishing I could just have one more moment of stillness. I didn't want to think of Frank the moment I woke up- or at all, for that matter. My feelings were nearly impossible to navigate, and the mere thought of trying to sort them out was exhausting.

Jessica was snoring away in the bunk across from me, sunlight streaming in from the back window onto the floor. The silence felt good but it didn't keep my head any quieter. As hard as I wanted to push the image of Frank's forehead against mine as I sat on the counter in the hotel room, I couldn't. I couldn't tell if I was angry or just disappointed.

I stretched my arms out as I turned to the ceiling of my bunk, only to feel something scratch my skin as it touched the surface of the bed. Rolling over, I noticed a piece of paper next to my pillow that I hadn't noticed when I first awoke. I opened it up and realized it was the bet note I had left for Frank on the table the night before- only with some of the original writing scribbled out, leaving nothing but a short message. 

Frank and Melissa

Frank xo

I'm sorry.

I stared at the note for a while. The words Gerard said to me the night before swirled around in my head, and I wanted to believe them. I knew that I had to make a decision- and part of me wanted to just let it all go. There didn't seem to be any use in getting hurt again when tour was over in two days.

Maybe I would never see them again, and the relationships I had built during the summer were just fleeting space-fillers. Maybe I was just a temporary fixture in the lives of a few jaded rock stars that had no choice but to make friends with whoever was in that night's city. I didn't want to believe any of that, but seeing Frank with a girl on his lap the night before made me doubt more than just our relationship.

I ran my finger over Frank's signature, the ink now a little faded after all the time it's spent in my pockets. Even for the short time I allowed myself to think that maybe there was something between us, it made me feel foolish. I wallowed in that feeling for a few minutes, resisting the urge to take the coward's way out- only I succumbed to it anyway.

Reaching down underneath my bunk, I dug out a pen from my bag and bit the cap off. I chose to betray my strange dreams- it's not like they could have meant anything, anyway. Maybe it could be the one place that I could have what I wanted, now that I was making the decision to rid it from the real world. All I could tell myself was that if I didn't do this now, that it would only hurt that much more later.

Below Frank's "I'm sorry", I scribbled down my response and folded it again as quickly as I could before I had the chance to change my mind. Tonight would be the last show of tour- an end to the summer, and an end to what felt like a brand new life. I would return to the dust and clutter of my apartment, alone.

And so there I stood for what felt like hours among sleeping bodies of new and old friends- Fog in my eyes, a terribly heavy heart, and a vague farewell that read "It's for the best" in my pocket.