If You Would [h.s.] HOLD

Twenty-Nine

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My body is frozen to my seat. My mind goes blank. Did he really just say he loved me? My mind races a thousand miles a second as my brown eyes connect with his in a confused, eager, nervous embrace. He wants me to say it back. I can feel it. But I can't.

"You don't mean it." Is all I can manage to say. He hasn't known me enough to love me. No one is capable of loving someone like me.

"Yes I do. You know I do. Look in my eyes and tell me you don't feel it." He grabs my face and brings it closer to his. I look in his eyes and I can feel strong emotions coming off of him. I can see right through him. I can see the loving feeling deep in him but it's not real. It's an illusion that he tricked himself into believing.

"You don't. You think you do but you don't." The words come out as a whisper. His eyes fall from hopeful to disappointed.

He shakes his head and looks away. His soft hands fall from my face and I miss the warmth. I want him to touch me again so I can know he's fine.

"Yeah... maybe you're right." He refuses to look at me. Even though I know he doesn't love me, truly, it still sent a pang of hurt right through my chest. It tightens. I know he doesn't love me but when he said that I'm right and maybe he didn't, it hurt worse than any punch or scratch that Randy ever threw my way. I nod to myself and look out of the plane window. I hear Harry stand up and walk away and I'm left thinking about what just happened.

Maybe he just slipped up and was caught in the moment. I feel my eyes start to water at the momentum and heaviness of that conversation.

Why can't I just say it back? Normal couples say they love each other within the first few days of dating. We've been attracted to each other since the day we met and still, I just can't say those three words. They're just words.

But do I feel it? I feel like I spent my whole life loving and living until Randy. He ruined it all for me. I only told him I loved him by the end of it.

16 months ago

Randy and I cuddle on the couch underneath the giant knitted blanket I made for us. The tv plays some random chick flick from Netflix. My head lays in the crook of his neck and his hand is laying firmly on my thigh. I smile when he squeezes it gently. We fought yesterday about our finances. He asked me to quit my job. I didn't want to quit my job because I actually like working and money is tight as it is but he insisted that he'd be getting a raise soon and he wanted to take care of me the way a man should take care of his wife. He even mentioned the possibility of having a baby. When I said I didn't want to quit he slapped me. But it's not the worst it's ever gotten.

I think he would be a good dad. We would have to work on our issues first. He can get pretty carried away and I'm too sensitive. At least that's what he says.

But right now, sitting here on this couch, it was perfect. We were perfect.

I look up at his gorgeous blue eyes and smile and he returns it. His freshly shaven face grazes my forehead and I look back towards the tv.

"I don't think anyone could love you more than I do." He says in a calm happy voice. This isn't the first time he's said this. He actually says it a lot.

"I know baby. I love you too." I look back up at him and his face seems to be different, like his mood shifted but I can't tell what it shifted to.

"I think I'm the only one who loves you truly. No one else out there deserves you and all you do. They could never appreciate you enough or truly love you. It's a selfish world out there. But you have me to protect you from it." His sweet words are laced with bitterness and I can't tell why. The way he worded the compliment confused me.

"Other then my family you mean." I giggle slightly, correcting his small error. But to my surprise he shakes his head.

"Seriously? When's the last time you spoke to Camila? Or Buck? When's the last time they spoke to you? They're too involved in their own life to pay any attention to you. Especially your parents. I think they love you the least." I'm taken aback by his statement. My parents love me. I know we haven't been on the best of terms lately but they still love me right?

"I don't know... at least my parents love me still. We just don't talk as often as we used to..." I try to defend them and he gets a little upset.

"Fuck Evelyn. Just take my word for it alright? I know better. I'm three years older than you. I think I know a little more about this stuff than you." He rolls his eyes and looks back at the tv. I sit up and lift my head off of his shoulder.

"What? I mean, I know you know more but that doesn't mean I don't know stuff too. My parents love me!" I don't know why I feel the need to defend them so harshly. But I don't know why he's trying to convince me of this crap either. He shakes his head.

"I didn't want you to know...." he fades off. My heart stops. Didn't want me to know what? I touch his leg and he looks up at me.

"Know what? Tell me." I plead.

"Maybe I shouldn't. I don't want your feelings to be hurt. We know how sensitive you are." He gives a sympathetic smile that sends icky feelings down my gut.

"Just tell me Rand. Please. I can handle it." I urge on again. He sighs and looks down.

"Okay... well you know how your dad texted me and threatened me a few months ago right?" He looks back up at me and I nod, wanting him to keep explaining.

"Well both him and your mom have been leaving nasty, hateful messages on our answering machine. Saying they hate you and don't want you to come home ever again. How they told Camila and Buck about how you betrayed them by being with me." He puts his face into his hands.

"It's probably all my fault Evelyn. I didn't mean to tear you and your family apart." I hear quiet sobs, muffled from his hands.

My eyes widen at the news. I want to listen to them but I'm sure he deleted them.... to spare my feelings.

He feels so bad about us not getting along but it's not his fault. It's my families fault obviously. And he's had to deal with this all by himself for me. He truly loves me. I think he's right when he says he's the only one. No one else would be this upset over hurting me.

"Oh Randy I'm so sorry." I hug him against his back and gently rub his back and side to comfort him. He shakes and I hear his voice breaking.

"Shhh. It's okay. It's not your fault. I'm here. It's just you and me. I promise. I'm quitting my job tomorrow and you're the only one who will ever love me. Thank you." I kiss the back of his neck and he nods and looks up at me.

There are no tears but he probably just didn't want me to see them. He's the only one I need to love me.

"Promise?" He asks. His lip quivers. I nod and smile while still tracing shapes on his back. I kiss his forehead.

"I promise."

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