The fucked up orphan's diary

I remember Shawn

I was able to piece another page of my old diary together:

"Dear Diary,

I have two cats and I love them dearly Hannah and Princess. My mom's boyfriend Shawn, decides he doesn't like cats. He is very cruel to animals. One day Hannah goes missing. Just before this he made comments about how annoying she was. I am convinced he has killed her or dropped her off in the middle of the mountains. She was my very first pet, I got her when I was 5 years old. Just another reason to hate him".

My mom started trying to date when I was around 8. 

Life was way better before 8. Not perfect but better.

I spent my days playing in the cul-de-sac, going to girl scout events and basketball games. My mom and I were avid readers. She would make the best ice water in the biggest cups and then we would read until late at night together.

Then things changed.

I'll tell you why. 

Her boyfriends. Each had an impact on me. 

The first one was the worst.

Glasses and a partially bald head. He gave me the creeps.

His name was Shawn. 

The first time I met Shawn he came over at night to look at an issue my mom was having with her car. 

He seemed okay upon first meeting. But if I am being completely honest with you, I didn't want to share my mom with anyone.

As he was looking at her car, he flipped out on her and screamed at her, this should have been a first and final red flag. But she continued to try and see him, I don't understand how she could be so desperate. 

(Now that I am older I sadly understand that loneliness she felt. I understand feeling like you need someone to be complete. If I said something to her now it would be: I understand that aspect mom but I would never put my needs before my child's safety (if I had one).

Back to the story:

On the positive side, Shawn has a daughter Crysta and she is absolutely adorable. 2 years old with beautiful blonde curly hair. 

Side note here: I was devastated when things ended and I couldn't see her anymore.

She was the only positive side to Shawn. And Crysta being two had her tantrums as well. At least these, were acceptable due to her age. 

Shawn had a temper. It started with mild fights but you could practically see and feel the pressure building. Then the pressure exploded between them too many times to count. (And no I don't mean sexually).

Overtime the fights got more and more intense. I would fantasize about ways to make him disappear. I also hated my mom for not leaving too. I wished they would both disappear. In the middle of the screaming and things flying I pictured myself walking out and yelling "Shut the fuck up and break up or grow up".

He'd go from screaming in her face to hitting her quickly. She would engage every time challenging him. I began to think she secretly loved the fights and the drama.

I developed severe anxiety from these fights. I'm talking a nervous tic, I was bullied at school for. Kids consistently asking why I continued to smile on and off, on and off.  I had to get put on medication for the nervous tic and night terrors.

My therapist I am currently seeing says recalling all of these shitty memories will help me somehow. I honestly just feel more anxious.

She asked me to write up one of the most intense memories of Shawn I could remember and bring it in so I did.

"It starts with raised voices and then things in the house are being thrown around. They are screaming in each other's faces. He leaves the house and as scared as I am I lock the door and block my mom from leaving. He wants to leave. Genuinely.

I scream in her face pleading. STOP ARGUING WITH HIM AND LET HIM LEAVE.  I look into her eyes and they are full of adrenaline. "I'm not letting him take my fucking car" She exclaims.

Instantly I know she wants to fight. She always wants to fight. This fight or any of the others could never just be over, even with a voice of reason. She pushes me out of the way so she can chase him. "GIVE ME MY CAR KEYS NOW" she yells. He throws her keys and they hit her square in the face. I told her she should have just let him leave. I'm angry with her. 

The lights stay out 

The lights always used to turn on when the screaming would start

I knew then help was on the way

But then the lights started to stay out

They didn't come on

I was left to fend for myself

To call the police on my own

The neighbors were sick of being disturbed

They gave up on my mom making the right choice

I did too

Even years later, I know my life won't be the same after Shawn. My mom is dead but I have to go on with the fear that has been broken into me.

He never hit or hurt me. Watching it happen to her though, changed something in me. I am no longer willing to take risks and am scared when trying new things. The anxiety has become a part of my personality.

Thanks mom.