The fucked up orphan's diary

Once in a while.

My foster mom has a friend who has four little kids. 

They are adorable. I love playing with them when we visit her. 

Brea, who is 4 announces she wants to play barbies and I'm all in. We go into her messy room and I'm instantly taken back to my room when I was a little girl. I also had a messy room, barbies and books strewn all over the floor. Just like Brea's. 

Unlike most of my memories, which usually end up with me in a sad shocked state, this one with Mom is different. Once in a while it's a good one. I remember that day so clearly. You wanted to play barbies with me. It was before Shawn or any of the other men that had wreaked havoc through our household and ultimately strained our relationship to non existence. Your only issue was depression at that time. I was so excited, you had purchased me this huge Barbie house that was taller than me. It was wooden and our next door neighbor helped you put it together for Christmas earlier in the year. We sat down played and laughed. I can always see your sweaty face, you were always sweating especially right below your nose. I felt you loved me so much in that moment. If I could capture the love in that moment I would never feel unloved or sad. I would be complete even with you gone. In the middle of us playing barbies, I told you I needed to grab something from outside. If I close my eyes right this moment I can picture myself at 6, running out of our trailer door with a big smile on my face, my long golden hair that you loved so much flowing behind me. No fear, just a wild little girl.

I ran to the edge of our yard and then I got distracted and forgot to come right back, I ended up playing with my neighbor friend. Upon returning you were still sitting at that doll house, organizing the furniture and getting it all prepped. My heart broke realizing that I forgot to return immediately. I instantly clung to you apologizing, knowing I made you sad. I never wanted to make you sad mom, and then things changed.
Brea exclaims "Mawissa are you listening," I smile and say "yes, sweetie sorry I got distracted". We end our day with smiles on our faces.

Once in a while, I cherish our memories mom.