The fucked up orphan's diary

I thought we had escaped (Shawn part 2)

Do things ever just trigger memories for you? For example,  you hear a certain sound, you see something that reminds you of something or you smell something. Then you are trapped in that moment and often think about it throughout the day. 

Well when this happens it's the worst for those of us who are purposely not remembering. I wanted to forget you mom. I have chosen to forget the first 13 years of my life because I'd rather just pretend it all didn't happen. 

But it's not that easy it came back to haunt me. Slowly these memories tempted out one by one until now. I am choosing to remember them and write them so this time I am in control. 

After you died I felt relief and for the first time in my life I didn't feel afraid. I felt wild and free. I was more sad about leaving him than I was that I would be missing you in my life. 

After a year of hell with Shawn I thought we were free. We moved into a new rental house. It was going to be a new start. But then I could hear you were accepting calls from the jail. Dammit Mom. You were letting him weave, that non existent perfect story all over again. It didn't exist, I wanted to scream, there was no happy and Shawn in the same sentence EVER. 

A few weeks later you broke the news to me he would be moving in.

This is where that triggered memory comes in. 

I see a car that looks like yours. 

I remember that night it was cold, dark and rainy. 

You announced we were "going to shawns"

I said no. 

I pleaded with you. 

Then I ran from you, I ran from you around the car for an hour. You were bent over exhausted from chasing me, I was fit and you were very over weight.

I was hoping you would break, that you would realize I was terrified and that maybe we shouldn't go see Shawn anymore.

I could have won that race around car over and over again. But some stupid part of me in that moment still loved you.

Don't you see me mom, Don't you see you are breaking me even more. 

You promised never again.

And then it happened like all of the other times:

"It was one of those nights the pressure was building, you could feel it in the air. I was laying in the guest bed at Shawn's house and I could hear there arguing getting louder and louder. SMACK. Something hits against the wall. Then I hear my mom yell "we are fucking leaving". I listen as he is dragging her down the long hall and smashing her into the walls along the way. I run out into the living room area and try and plead they stop the fist fighting. Then I flee. I run to a neighbors. I can't handle this.

When the police arrived that night it was the only comfort I had. No matter what you said or did, you couldn't comfort me anymore.