The fucked up orphan's diary

11

Looking in the mirror, I whisper to myself "I don't want to be you anymore". I repeat this until my eyes are full of tears and I just want to fucking lose it. I put a lot of pressure on James, too much for a 15 year old boy. I'm questioning the things I've told him terrified he will tell others. I'm broken and hoping he can fix me. He can only hold me together though, if he were to let go I would break. I would be even worse off then, than I am now. He found me after Mom died and I latched to him. It isn't fair. Tonight I am attending a football game with him. I'm going to tell him what happened to me. Maybe it will scare him away, I need to know he's here through it all. My hands are shaking as I get ready to see him. The 20 minute drive gives me anxiety so bad, my stomach aches. I decided last minute, I couldn't speak the words so I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

James,

My mom's boyfriend, took advantage of the trust I had in him and he had sex with me. Over and over.

That's what he will read in the next few minutes.

Approaching the gate, a grin spreads across my face. I would know that Iron Man tee and broad shoulders anywhere. James is standing there waiting for me, with a big grin on his face. I finish paying to get in and let my respite family know I'll check in throughout the game.

We go to our corner with his friends and sit against the brick wall. But the happiness doesn't stay long for me, instantly he can see my worry and anxiety set back in. "What's wrong babe?" he asks me. I take a deep breath and let him know I need to tell him something about me. James "I've never told anyone this and I'm scared''. "It will be okay Marissa, whatever it is", he says. I slide him the note and hold my breath. He reads it and instantly stands up with a bewildered look on his face. I instantly start crying and he punches the wall. Then he looks at me with his beautiful blue-green eyes, takes my face in his hands and tells me "I love you Marissa".

"I am so angry that he did that to you", he whispers to me.  Then he tells me his sisters had the same thing happen to them. "It was done by a relative", he whispers to me. Looking into my eyes he explains he was next for it to happen too but the relative passed away.  We sit against that brick wall whispering and kissing until the football game is over. He makes me feel so complete, its almost as if I've never been broken. 

I feel so much better that I've told someone. But now I need to decide if I'm going to tell an adult.

On Monday, I head to school with a confidence I have been missing since before Mom died. I decide to tell my two best friends Cass and Lia. Cass is really understanding and I know she won't tell anyone. Lia lets me know that similar things have happened to her, but she isn't as trust worthy.  Each person I tell I feel more confident to tell my foster mom. I get home from school and pull out his hidden letter and the one photo of us I have. He writes:

"Dear Monster, I love and miss you so much. I long to be with you".

Blech, it all makes me want to throw up. I see all of the moments that occurred between us and I want to scream. I don't hate him though, he protected me from Mom and was nice to me. He took advantage of my trust though and the fact Mom and I's relationship was broken.

Things didn't go sideways until I was 13. I had a major crush on his son who was 18. Then one night some things happened between his son and I. My friend called my mom and told her what I had told her and then my mom talked like she would have to let the police know if that did happen. *CUE EYEROLL. I defended him to the very end. The truth though is we did try and have sex, it hurt though and we stopped. That was it. I guess that was when he determined, he wanted me. I didn't want him though, I wanted a father. He was the best father figure I'd ever had leading up into his lapse of judgements.

Then I fall down the rabbit hole to the night she found out.

We were fucking out in the living room. Mom was supposed to be sleeping. Then all of a sudden she appears. Instantly we separate and I run away down the hall. She chases me, grabs my face and yells into it with hate filled eyes "You are a stupid fucking whore, you stole my boyfriend". In this moment, all I can think in my mind is "I'M THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS". Mom blamed me, and that's part of the reason I'm so broken. She didn't care about keeping me safe, she only cared about her boyfriends. Since I was 8 years old, she chose them over me.

I'm torn on letting an adult know because if I am being completely honest he is part of the reason I didn't kill myself during that last year.

Fact:

I'm a complete and utter fucking mess.

This weekend I make it clear I need to get out of the house. My foster mom is always trying to help me heal so she agrees.

The Woods:

Some people have other people who make them feel at home. I feel like grandparents and parents usually give people that feeling. I have the woods. Whenever I see the woods, I feel at home. Instantly I feel safe and free to be myself. Mom used to pack up the car with hours notice when I was little. We'd go camping. Losing ourselves in the beauty of nature whether it was among the trees, or along a lake or ocean. We found peace in the quiet. My love of nature is one of the few things Mom passed on to me that I will acknowledge.

Now as we are pulling into the trail head my foster mom found, I whisper to myself "I'm home".

She lets me walk ahead, after all I'm a brooding teen who needs her space.

Taking in the quiet space, I sit against a tree and close my eyes. I feel the dirt beneath my feet, I smell the pine needles that are littered all over the forests floor. Then I open my eyes and breathe deeply. The sight of the woods eases my sense of anxiety. Every time.

In this quiet moment, I decide I'm going to tell my foster mom.

Fact: What happened to me was wrong, it's time to stand up for myself.

I woke at first light and knew today would be different. I had let my foster mom know what happened to me last night and she had made all the necessary calls. I emerge from my room and instantly regret it. She's awake already and let's me know the police will want to do an interview later that day.  The universe, the woods, James, in this situation can't help me with the battle that I will have to face. I'll have to face him alone.