The fucked up orphan's diary

12

Do you remember, your happiest moment as a child? Many of us can think of exactly a few moments, that still to this day make us smile. Tapping my fingers on the desk, in the small interview room the social worker placed me in, I am trying to summon one of those memories. I need a distraction. I'm not ready to be open and free about what happened that left me scarred. I can't process it myself but now I need to share it with strangers? I'm numb. So I think of one of my favorite memories. Mom was always good at one thing, taking care of me while I was sick. I remember laying on the cold bathroom floor hearing her talk to the nurses on the phone, she'd even write down special recipes they recommended. The jello, warm rice water, back rubs, consistent love and her asking "are you okay," I need that now. I don't miss her but I miss those moments, they always make me smile to think about.
Officer Carter enters the room, she smiles with that look of pity lingering in her eyes, "Well Marissa, I think we are ready to get started," she says. I slow blink and try and will myself to teleport to another place. I feel my mouth respond "alright I'm ready," I'm not ready, why would I say that?! "I am going to ask brief questions today and then will need the fine details when we meet with the team," she says. Ugh she just said team, as in multiple people. I can see all of them looking at me now, same look of pity, thinking that "poor girl".

I'm in a haze as we are leaving the office. The past 30 minutes of questioning, I can't even recall it. It's like another part of me took over. The only thing I remember is Officer Carter stating "They have put a warrant out for his arrest". He has had warrants for years without them picking him up, I am not very hopeful. The whole situation leaves me feeling torn, I'm angry he couldn't just be there for me as a responsible adult. His actions, were those of someone my age, impulsive and reckless except with much bigger stakes. My impulsive & reckless actions are eating too much candy, swearing, doing weird things with my friends. He chose to do something that will alter me for life. I feel ashamed and like I am worth less than others. Used goods.