On the eve of your baby shower, you have a weird dream.
It starts about as well as your other pregnancy dreams, wild and vivid but not too upsetting, but then it changed. It changed and you called N'Jadaka in tears, upset and annoyed that he wasn't next to you to comfort you in person. The house he went to look at was gorgeous; not too big and not too small, not as large as his previous one but it was amazing and he'd bought it the next day. When you asked about the lease to the apartment, he assured you that you wouldn't have to break it and when you joked about living separately until it did he shrugged.
Secretly, you think he's starting to get nervous about having a baby, and it was so easy to push away that anxiety when you were throwing up and nothing more. Now your baby shower is almost here and your stomach is so round it's hard to ignore the ensuing arrival. You catch him staring at your stomach often, just staring with a look on his face you can't decipher, and when you ask he brushes your concern away.
A man like him doesn't seem like he'd have any children, or that he'd have many with many lovers, it could go either way. You believe that he doesn't have any (that he knows about) so you can only regard his silly behavior as adorable apprehension. Truthfully, you're scared too, and often lie awake at night wondering if you've made the right decision but the fact of the matter is you made it and you'll do your best.
But sometimes you wonder about N'Jadaka, worry. You have no doubt in your mind that he'll make good on his promise on being a father but you also can't help but ask yourself if he'll be able to make the switch between his old life and new so easily. You worry about him so much it makes you sick, worry about his 'friends' and his enemies and those that seek to take from him in any way that you can.
And whenever you express these worries, his answer is always the same: i'mma be alright.
It doesn't help that you're completely unable to have any kinds of sex with the way your body aches and you can see it's driving him nuts. That high sex drive of his couldn't have done him any favors during the 3 months he was away from you and now that he's back it's no better. He refuses your offers of other ways to help him ease his frustrations, seeing it as pointless and succeeding in doing nothing else but making it all worse.
You think it's why he disappears so much, not necessarily to find some other able bodied girl to ease his frustrations, but to channel all that energy into some kind of distraction.
The sound of the front door lock turning distracts you from your thoughts, and rather than wait for him in bed you go through the trouble of pulling yourself to your feet. It's a little after midnight, and the two of you are expected to be fully presentable a little after early afternoon. You don't think you're mentally ready, but luckily the invitation made it clear that everybody is expected out after 3 hours. It's why you requested a venue rather than having it at a relatives' house.
Light food only, you want your gifts and then you want to get out and sleep.
N'Jadaka makes a pit-stop in the kitchen before he gets to you, ignoring King's wagging tail and curious nose as he shoves some to-go containers into the fridge. He seems guarded, something that King notices you're sure because he quickly runs up to you for attention instead.
You don't know why you feel the need to apologize to him as you watch him move about the kitchen with a frustrated air about him, but you do and it confuses him.
He glances over at you, one eyebrow quirked before moving to pass you. "What you sorry for."
"I don't know."
"So don't apologize."
"Okay."
And that's the end of the exchange. He finally shuts the light off in the kitchen, going to your bedroom with a bottle of some brand of alkaline water in his hand. He drinks it constantly and you always want to punch him for throwing the bottles away when they're recyclable. You have a bin and you're doing your part for the environment so his ass better do the same.
