Kaya still won't latch no matter what you do, and by the hundredth loud wheeze of the pump gifted to you by someone, you find that if she wants to eat everyone is going to have to leave you alone. And by everyone you mean N'Jadaka, telling you yet again that you should be breastfeeding and breastfeeding only.
You're sick of the notion.
"She won't latch," you insist, unfolding a fresh diaper.
"So use that expensive ass pump!"
"Maybe it'll get used when I finally get some sleep because it sounds like an auto plant in this bitch when it's on."
Then he has the nerve to chastise you for cursing in front of her and you have to restrain yourself from screaming. The rest that you want so desperately seems to be impossible the more you sit at home, and if it's not the constant phone calls then it's the noise of the breast pump or the annoying buzzing N'Jadaka is doing around the guest bedroom. It's almost as if you hadn't just given birth a few days ago; almost as if your body still hasn't healed from the beautiful trauma of it all for everything to be trying it's hardest to keep you from resting.
Lingering in the doorway, N'Jadaka continues to watch you change Kaya's diaper and redressing her in the striped onesie you picked out. She's awake, of course, and you have to sigh and resign yourself to the fact that you won't be getting any kinds of sleep anytime soon. You didn't get any your first night home, so you won't be getting any now. Although you suppose it was more because of your anxiety not letting you as opposed to anything else.
It's early when you glance at your phone, and when you look to the man in the entryway you wonder if he can hear your stomach growling.
He proves that he can, asking, "What you want to eat."
"A muffin," you say immediately, not knowing why you want one so bad. "No..do you know how to make eggs florentine?"
He only calls you bougie, before saying he'll be back with your oddly specific breakfast request. You can't help what you want, and there's absolutely no groceries in the place,so he's going to have to deal with it.
The tv is on in front of you but the apartment falls silent the second N'Jadaka leaves, marking the first time since you've been alone that you've been home. The previous night he was always lingering nearby, sitting in the chair in the corner of the room or the edge of the bed; watching. Sometimes he fussed at you to let him watch Kaya so you could go to sleep but every time someone breathed it woke you up.
You're in desperate need of a shower, but the baby currently staring at you hasn't shut her eyes long enough for you to leave.
You wonder if it's appropriate to take her carrier into the bathroom while you try to look alive.
"Hm," you go, lying on your side. "Guess I'll just be ripe for a few more hours."
And then you gently tap her on the nose with your index finger, to which she smiles, dropping her pacifier in the process. As far as you know it's her first one, and you have no idea why you immediately text her father to rub it in his face.
His response is near-instant.
yeah she smiled at me when you was stuck on the toilet last night tho.
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An hour and a half passes, taking the morning straight into lunchtime, and since Kaya's finally fallen asleep again you take the time to do as much as you can in as little time.
