I AM NOT TO BLAME

THE LAST CHANCE

Welcome to reality,
Where everything doesn’t always go as planned
Where mistakes are made, either you learn from them,
Or you repeat and be stuck at the same place.
Welcome to reality where hearts can be broken by anything that you
Either cared about or didn’t care about
And we can never be prepared to face reality, some of us refuse to face it
And decide to stay in our imaginary world…it’s time to wake up.

What to do now?
My mom had no words for me, but that was the least of my worries,
I failed…
Something I never thought would happen to me, not only that.
I’m going to the same class again, to do the same activities I did this year.
To make it worse,
I am going to be in the same grade as two of my ex’s
And I will be sharing a class with one of them.
When my mom came to speak to me,
I thought she would come tell me that it will be okay
Instead:

“You wasted 344 days, you spent most of those days out, or on your phone
Or listening to music, or begging your father for money to buy clothes, what did you expect was going to happen? If only you did all those things and still studied you wouldn’t be sitting there,
Thinking of lies to tell your friends that you passed, what’s the use they will see you, they are in matric, and you are not, my son these things have been here before you were born, and they will be here when you die, you can never have enough of them, I’m glad you failed”

And she left me,
With no words to come out of my mouth
Instead they came out of my tears
My thought was silent for the first time…

But I did tell my friends that I failed,
None of them laughed at me.
But I’m pretty sure they did talk about me when I wasn’t there.

We are all going forward
Just not at the same time, speed
And definitely not on the same road
                                             _f.p
But even if they did, I did not care about that,
The fact that I failed a grade did not sink in during the rest of the holidays,
Because I would forget it for a while, until someone would ask me if I progressed or not.
New Year
Same grade, that’s when I had to face reality that I failed.
The embarrassment, every single day felt like torture,
I went from being the most talkative guy in class to being the quietest.
The confidence and energy to talk to girls wasn’t there anymore, but there was this girl in class…

Every time we did orals I would keep on looking at her and she would give me that disgusted
Facial expression, I don’t blame her, who would want to be seen with a failure, the player, and the Fuckboy.
Its life I guess…

It took me a very long time to accept the fact that I have failed, while my friends are in matric,
I couldn’t spend time with them that much, because they would spend a lot of times talking
About new grade work, which I don’t know about…
So sometimes I kept my distance, my time will come.

One Friday
I decided to try and talk to that quiet girl in class at break time,
Because we were wearing home clothes, I figured it would
Hide the fact that I failed the 11th grade, but it didn’t.
As soon as I went to greet her and talk to her,
She just stood up and left...

I was so embarrassed that I took that rejection,
And converted it to anger.
A part of me was very pissed, that I wanted to swear at her, but I just kept quiet
And I left as well.
What the fuck was I doing?
I told myself that I will stay away from girls didn’t I?

Another week passed,
And I couldn’t help but to try and greet her,
Still she gave me the same look and ignored me.

I then decided to ask one of the guys I hanged out with                                                    (No friends)
To get me her numbers, because she spoke to a few people.
And he said he will see what he can do, because that girl is unkind to people.

I was my own best friend,
Spent time with myself, focused on my happiness.
Not saying my friends didn’t make me happy but
They just gave me the foundation of failure and I helped them build
The high tower of collapse.