These Four Dorks

Safe

I fell to the ground. My tears gushing from my eyes and my chest feeling like it was about to break in.

"You're such a slut", I cursed at myself, clenching my fists.

"No wonder everyone left me", I sobbed, spluttering and choking on my tears.

I stood up, snuffling, staring at the scars that were traced over my wrists. Taking my hand, I scratched along my skin with my nails, leaving sore red marks behind the marks. I roughly attacked at my skin, angrily and fiercely, loving how painful it was and how much it relieved me. I looked down at my arms, breathless, the pink stripes etched on my skin stinging and hurting. I took a deep breath before wiping away the tears that were still falling and rubbed the mascara stains off my cheeks and below my eyes.

"I'm a mess", I whispered as I turned to look at the big ocean that waved behind me.

The sparkling sea rippled in movement, the small waves touching the shore lightly, leaving small evidence of white foam and bubbles behind. I stood nearer, letting the water kiss at my toes and letting my feet sink slightly in the sand more and more. The sky was getting darker as the sun begun to settle on the horizon, it reflection hitting the sea and making it sparkle and glitter even more. I felt so peaceful, so much at ease, so relaxed, so safe. Like nothing could ever get to me and no one could ever touch me, like I could never be hurt ever again.

"Pixie! Pixie!", I heard Calum's voice yell loudly.

It wasn't angry and like a lion anymore, it was soft and sympathetic. I couldn't be bothered with him right now though, I didn't care what he had to say. He was so mean, he hurt me so much, why should I even hear him out?

"I don't want to hear it Calum", I called back, not even bothering to look at him as he ran closer to me.

I could hear his light footsteps on the sand as he came closer and closer behind me, his breathing rough and unsteady.

"You need to Pix, I just want to say I'm sorry", he said as he stood behind me.

I could feel his breath against my neck he was so close, and his heart thudding loudly.

"Don't call me Pix", was all I replied as I kept my eyes staring out to sea, my arms crossed over my chest so he couldn't see the marks I had made on my skin.

"Listen to me! I didn't mean to shout, or be such a dick. I just misunderstood what was going on. I over-reacted! I was hurt. And I'm so sorry.", he broke out breathlessly.

He reached out to try and grab my arm but I slapped him away, I could feel my eyes welling up with tears once more just thinking about how I had hurt him. That was the last thing I wanted.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't want to at all", I whispered, tightening the hold of my arms crossed, feeling tense.

"I know you didn't, I know you'd never do that. Lou told us everything..", he replied in a soft tone.

"What?", I shuddered.

Lou could of told them anything. She knows everything about me, about the cutting and the depression, the suicide attempts, being lonely in high school, how I don't do relationships, everything. I didn't want the boys knowing about any of that. It was in my past and I didn't want it to come and mess everything up, it had already come back to haunt me, the cutting, but I didn't want to let it have an effect on all our friendships. They would think me an attention seeker or a freak, or just someone with loads of issues and problems. They would just feel sorry for me.

"She told us about how you were just messing about, playing with us all, because you don't do feelings or relationships, just the stuff that comes with it, not the lovey dovey stuff. Which is totally cool, none of us boys could handle a relationship right now. It was just that you snuck around and kept it a secret from us all, we thought it was just us you were playing with. That's what hurt us", Calum said.

"I'm sorry.. it's just what I'm like, I was going to tell you guys, but it just got out of hand.. I didn't know what to do..", I replied as I turned around to face him.

His eyes were red and puffy, they were shiny and watery. His face had tear stains on his cheeks and his hair was a mess. You could tell he had been crying.

"Its fine Pixie, just come speak to any of us if you need help with anything, your sister told us about the cutting stuff.. and how you tried to kill yourself.. we're always here if you need anyone", Calum spoke sweetly.

He took my arm lightly, gripping his hand around mine. I snatched it away, scared that he would notice the scratched but also horrified that he knew.

"W-what..?", I stuttered.

My eyes were watering now, my lip quivering as I tried to tackle the tears that were about to fall dramatically from my eyes like a waterfall.

"The cutting? Suicide? Depression..? You lost all your friends and that?", he looked at me sympathetically.

"She told you that!?", I shrieked, backing away from Calum as tears dribbled from my eyes.

"Don't cry! Its fine! I'm sorry she told us, we'll just forget about it. Its fine, I'm sorry!", he shuffled nearer to me, panicking as he tried to make everything okay again.

"You can't just forget about something like that Calum!", I screeched, shaking my head as I let myself cry almost hysterically.

"I know! I know! I didn't mean it like that! I, I just", he tried to think up of something to say.

"Now your all just going to think of me as a freak! The girl with all the problems! You're just going to feel sorry for me! Or, you'll just leave me completely, blanking me out because I'm too much for you to handle!", I shouted at him, bawling loudly as I stared at Calum, his face scared and worried.

"I'm such a fuck up! Look at me! I'm a fucking"

Calum cut me off as he crashed his lips against mine, his hand held tightly on my back and his other one on the back of my neck.

"Don't ever say those things ever again", he whispered as he pulled away, still clutching me as his nose touched mine.

"But-", I begun.

"No. None of its true. Me and the boys could never think any of those things about you. You're still a normal person, you've just got a past and everything happens for a reason. Its going to be okay. You're not a mess, you're not a fuck up, you're perfect.", he hushed.

He kissed me once more, this time our hands intertwined and our teeth touching as we giggled and smiled through the kiss.

"Thank you Cal", I whispered into his ear.

He rested his head on my shoulder as his arms wrapped around my body tightly, like he was never going to let go. This time, I felt safer than ever.