Converting to Islam

Chapter 4

Have you ever been in a situation where you have these strange feelings, luring you into something? Well what about if these feelings were luring you into something you knew was wrong? For example the situation I’m in. My body says yes, but there’s a voice in my ear saying no. For the first time, I listen to that voice.

"Tyler... Not now." I push him off me and get up, to see a confused expression on his face. I decide to ask him now, "Hey...um... I don’t think I’m quite ready to share a room. Can I take another one?" I mutter awkwardly.

He turns away, annoyed by the rejection, and goes back to packing, "Do whatever the hell you want to." 

I can tell that he is hurt but for some reason, I don’t care. I pick up my suitcase and find another room that is as nearly as big and comfy as the other one. I close the door. I feel much better now.

After a week of living with Tyler, I’m starting to realize strange things. My emptiness is increasing; I am now desperately searching for hope. When you have a relationship with someone you’re supposed to feel loved... At least that’s what I think. But it seems to me that all Tyler wants is physical love. He’s not very good at loving mentally.

It’s Lucy’s party. Woo hoo. Not. Parties are the one thing I hate. It consists of: dancing, flirting, getting drunk and music that is so loud it makes you want to rip out your eardrums. Tyler has 'instructed' me to wear the red dress he got me. It gets me so mad! Don’t people that love you want you not to be seen by others? I mean this dress is so revealing; tight, short and the back is showing. Tyler seems to really like it when I wear revealing clothes: he always suggests for me to buy miniskirts and whatnot when we occasionally go shopping together.

I stare at the image in the mirror. Red dress, red lipstick and red high heels. Why am I wearing this? Is it to make people attracted to what they see when they look at me? To feel self confidence or love yourself? It doesn’t make sense: why should you make yourself look good for people who don’t even matter? I hate all of them anyways.

My black cardigan hangs in my closet temptingly; I grab it and cover myself with it. I am pulling on black stockings over my legs when I hear Tyler call, “Lucy! It’s time to go!”

He opens the door and rolls his eyes when he sees me wearing the stockings and cardigan.

“Amber, it looks nice on its own!”

I walk past him ignoring his comment, and eventually we are sitting in Tyler’s car, on our way to Lucy’s house. As we near her house I can hear the loud booming of music from outside which makes me want to hurl. Lucy opens the door to her house full of people I hardly know dancing in different colours of lights.

“Hey guys!” She greets us enthusiastically in her petite black dress and smoky eyes. I have to admit, it looks good on her.

As soon as I step inside I want to step outside again but Tyler’s pull on my arm stops me. We encounter four of Tyler’s friends, one which I recognize to be Finley, Tyler’s friend since middle school.

“Tyler! How ya been doin’? How’s it living with your girlfriend?” One of them asks, wiggling their eyebrows as they ask him the last part.