Converting to Islam

Chapter 13

How dare he touch me? How dare he act like he owns me - like I'm some kind of toy he can play around with? All the rage built up inside of me during the past few days refuses to be suppressed. I lose it.

"Why can’t you just LEAVE ME ALONE?" I shriek. "I HATE YOU! I HONESTLY DONT GET WHAT U HAVE AGAINST ME. WHY ARE YOU PURPOSELY TRYING TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE?" My face puffs up red and liquid builds up in my eyes. I push him away from me. I curse myself for not being able to contain my anger.

I know that I’m embarrassing myself. I know that I’m not only making a fool of myself but also Tyler. His green eyes stare at me in shock. Swiftly his hands fly to my mouth to stop me from yelling more. His eyes follow a group of students walking by, obviously confused about all the commotion. Tyler’s sudden transformation is unbelievable; immediately a smile replaces the frown on his lips. His arms wrap around my back gently and he starts whispering into my ear soothingly. Of course: he’s pretending this is all just a small fight, and that I’ve gone crazy and he’s the ‘normal’ one trying to calm me down. This was the first time a girl has been rude to him in public - of course he’s worried about his reputation. Finley watches me worriedly, his smooth face twisted into a grimace.

"Shut up, everyone’s staring," Tyler says as quietly as possible with a forced smile on his lips.

Honestly why should I care what they think about me? How people judge me are the least of my problems. 

Tyler’s voice and presence makes my heart beat rapidly, as I have the urge to run from the situation. I want to tell him to stay away from me, but I’m scared that if I say a word the tears will flow. I need to breathe. My feet manage to move themselves - I run. 

I run across the street and away from Tyler. My legs start to ache painfully – but I don’t stop. I keep running. I am panting urgently for breath when I finally stop. I have reached my destination. I haven’t arrived at home though; I have arrived at the mosque.

I hurry inside, almost desperate to be free from all the anxiety. All I want is to be embraced by that warm feeling, so that I feel protected. I wrap a scarf around my head as I enter the mosque. The smell of flowers captivates my senses. Warmth wraps around me like a blanket. My eyes notice the same spot I was in last time. I take a seat and immediately let it all out.

All the tears I have been suppressing flows out, like an uncontrollable flood. I start to hiccup and make loud chocking noises. Luckily there’s hardly anyone here since it’s not prayer time. There is one person here though who was reading the Quran. My loud sobbing seems to have disturbed her. Her eyebrows furry in concern as she walks over to me. Gently she places her hand on my shoulder and I look up to see a young woman. She seems to be about my age, just slightly older.

"Are you alright dear?" She asks with genuine concern. It feels good to have someone who actually pays attention and cares. I try to smile back through my tears. I want to give her an assuring nod, bur for some reason I can’t.

 Instead I open my mouth to voice that it’s fine. "I-" I begin before my breath collapses as more tears fall. The worry in her face increases and she decides to sit down next to me, rubbing her hand repetitively up and down on my back. I appreciate how she decides not to say anything but just rub my back.

She only repeats the phrase “It's okay dear," repetitively in a hushed tone. I notice that her face has a similar glow to Daniel’s. She has deep, dark eyes and tanned skin. I eye the Hijab on her head admiringly; if only I had the freedom to wear such a beautiful symbol.

Then I remember that I do. It’s not like my parents or Tyler controls me. I remember what I came here for: Islam. I decide to ask her what I have been desperately waiting for. She had to know the answers to my questions.

"I want to convert to Islam.”

***

It was all so simple. All I had to do was to say 'La ilaha illallah, Muhammadun rasulullah' and have ablution. Once I did it felt amazing. At first I did have doubts about what my parents would think, and what I would tell them. I thought about how this is all going to change my life forever. A sense of fear was present, as I slowly said the words, but I managed to overcome it. These words must be effective and true if it managed to save me at Lucy’s party. There is an intense feeling inside of me as I acknowledge that I have now changed forever. I am now a Muslim.

The lady also gave me very detailed instructions on how to pray. Once I have ablution at home, I resolve that I need to memorize the words used in prayer. I spend the evening doing so; with an app I downloaded that clearly explains everything. 

The lady had given me her email and phone number. It is tucked away safely in my purse. She told me her name was Fatimah. She suggested that we could be friends and that she could help me and tells me more about Islam. I decide to text her and ask her about something.

Hi Fatimah. I need help. This is really hard to memorize!

After a few minutes she replies.

Hi. Don't worry you can do this. I mean, if I could do it when I was 7 then you can do it too! Here’s a tip: use the translation to help remember it better! :)

That’s a good idea.

For the rest of the night I precede to learn the process of praying. Soon I realize how late it has become when I look up to see that its 4am.

Oh cow.

I try to brush my teeth fast so I can quickly jump into bed. It scares me when I’m the only one awake at night. I know this is really childish, but the dark has always scares me; for some reason I feel that a ghoul or something is going to jump out and attack me!

As I make my way towards bed I notice a noise. I freeze as I examine it: what could it be? It’s slightly muffled. Could it be that it’s coming from Tyler’s room? Slowly I move towards the source of the sound, placing my feet lightly on the floor. It sounds like groaning. Isn’t he asleep? As carefully as I can, I open the door to his room and peek inside.

In the darkness I can just make out his figure. Tyler is lying on his bed, asleep. Sweat soaks his hair and face as he cries and whimpers with closed eyes. The sight is so frightening - what sort of nightmare must he be having to get such a powerful response from him? A nightmare so terrible that even Tyler, who is as careless as one can get, is sobbing and pleading for help? 

He then begins to mumble something under his breath. My breathing stops, as I listen hard to his words.

"Amber... Help"