Blissfully Unaware

Chapter Fourteen

Sawyer

    Picking up our dresses was the easiest part of my dad. As I sit in the waiting room of Dr.Silas Ryker, I skim through the typical you-could-never-afford-but-look-really-great-houses magazine. 5:55pm, I still have five more minutes until my appointment. Beau’s words buzz in my head. I know Beau would never hurt me intentionally but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. I don’t know why he scares me so much. And everytime he touches me it’s like electricity surges through my body. I want him to touch me more, but I can’t push myself to say it out loud. Then there's Zeek. Sweet, bold Zeek. He found me hiding on my ledge reading my favorite book, Pride and Prejudice By Jane Autsen. Okay, deep down I do have a romantic part of me. Somewhere. Anyway, Zeek demands to know what happened and why I’ve been avoiding him. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I felt rejected and angry. Rejected by him and angry with Trenton for causing yet another issue in my life. And guilt because of Beau. I like Zeek, that kiss was great. But, there’s something about Beau.

    I was so deep in thought I hadn’t head Dr.Ryker call my name. He was standing in front of me with an amused expression on his face.

    “Penny for your thoughts Ms.Thompson?” I flushed with embarrassment. Dr.Ryker knows me so well. I stand up and follow him into his office. He shuts the door behind us and takes a seat at his desk. He pulls out his notepad and pen before sitting back in his chair. He gazes at me as I fiddle with the hem of my dress.

    “You seem nervous Sawyer. Anything you don’t want to talk about? Like your father?”

    “No, we can talk about him.”

    “Maybe it’s about those two boys I saw in the waiting room at the hospital.” I look to the floor. “Ah. I think that’s it. If you don’t want to talk about them we don’t have too. But Sawyer, I can tell something is on your mind causing some kind of inner turmoil. You know this is a safe space. You can say anything.” I release a long sigh. I guess it’s time to talk to someone about this dilemma I’ve gotten myself into.

    “Beau and Zeek. Zeek asked me to the fall formal the same day the episode with Trenton happened. Zeek caught me off guard and I said yes. I was in shock. I have no idea why I agreed to go with him.”

    “Maybe your subconscious was telling you that you’re ready. I know the assault at your brothers going away party has closed you off to the idea of dating, but maybe this is you telling yourself that you’re ready to move forward. Two years is a long time to heal and grow Sawyer.”

    “That would make sense.” I mull over what he said.

    “And Beau? Where does he fit into the situation?” I lower my eyes.

    “Beau and I used to be really close when were younger. Technically he was my first kiss. I mean if you can call it that. We were 9, our lips barely touched, and I ran away after.”

    “It can count if it means something to you, 9 or not it’s something you’ve seemed to have held onto.”

    “After the kiss we drifted. We were friendly but I never let him get close to me again. I was afraid he would find out about Trenton and they would take Luke and I from momma.”

    “So you pushed Beau away?”

    “Yeah. He knows how awkward going to the dance would be if I went with Zeek so he offered to go with me instead. As friends.”

    “You sound disappointed by that.”

    “I’ve always found Beau attractive. He’s very good looking, and so kind. I never thought of dating or being with him.”

    “Until he offered you a friendly pity date.”

    “Yeah. I guess I never really let go of that first kiss. I liked him back then too. But now, I can’t stop thinking about him. What his arms would feel like around me. Holding me, our bodies pressed together. Kissing him.” I blush realizing I’m saying everything aloud. “Then there’s this guilt.”

    “Guilt about going to the dance with Zeek or guilt about wanting to be with Beau?”

    “I kissed Zeek. Well he kissed me. Okay maybe we kissed each other?” I turn my gaze to my hands still playing with my hemline. “It was great.”

    “But?” Dr.Ryker gives me a coaxing smile.

    “But. I wish it had been Beau. I think.” I let out a small breath. “I know I care for Beau, but Zeek is nice, sweet, and just as kind as Beau. Zeek and I don’t have history like Beau and me.” And Zeek doesn’t cause my skin to tingle when he touches me. I’ll keep that piece of info to myself.

    “Sounds like you’re trying to push Beau away because you’re scared and you’re using Zeek to do it. I think you really need to let your feelings work themselves out. Don’t try to force yourself to feel something for someone to avoid your feelings for another.”

    “Meaning I should give Beau a chance?”

    “That’s up to you. I’m just here to help you work through your problems. You are in control of you Sawyer.” The timer goes off. “Times up Ms.Thompson. Same time next Tuesday?” I nod yes. I gather my things and walk out the door to the waiting room. I wave goodbye to Shirley before opening the front door. I breathe in the lukewarm air as I exit Dr.Ryker’s office. It feels so gentle against my skin. I call Lucy to let her know I’m going to walk home and enjoy the fresh air of the Wyoming night.